How Not To Get Laid At A Wedding

Illustration for article titled How Not To Get Laid At A Wedding

Weddings are fucking annoying: All that tulle, the weeping grandmothers, the expensive gifts, the rubber chicken, the dysfunctional relatives. Our tolerance, high as it may be, still isn't good enough to handle such commitment ceremonies. Which is why we tend to go to weddings grumpy and head straight for the open bar. Which, as unmarried women, is apparently all wrong! Yup, according to one concerned woman, we should be going to weddings to meet our future husbands, and in fact, the "very biggest mistake that a single woman makes about going to a wedding and reception is that she does not realize that this is the best possible high-quality singles event in the entire world!". Meet Py Kim Conant, the author of Sex Secrets of an American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy and Keep Your Man, a new self-help book that purports to help single women who want to get married to "Good Men" within 12-to-18 months. In fact, the matrimonial-minded Ms. Conant has — and we quote! — a list of the "Top 10 Mistakes At Weddings You Make That Will Leave You Alone And Single If You Don't Change Your Ways." (Ooh! Threats!) After the jump, we cower in fear of Ms. Conant's ten commandments, then offer up some of our own edicts.


Mistake 1:

You can't beat the singles blues so you are a bit depressed. Why a mistake? You should be happy and optimistic to have such a great opportunity to meet men.

We say: Stop fucking lying to yourselves. Weddings suck. Single or not, there's that dried-out chicken, bad dancing, and for some women, ugly dresses that they'll never wear again. In fact, if you're not ready to pop half a Valium before a wedding, there's something seriously wrong with you.

Mistake 2:

You don't come alone to the wedding and you talk to other girls at the wedding and reception. Why a mistake? Single guys can't approach you. Guys can approach you more easily if you are alone, so talk to men or be alone.

We say: Forget about trying to score a guy — you shouldn't be talking to girls because they are not so secretly mocking you behind your back. Do you blame them? You're wearing an ugly dress!

Mistake 3:

You wear a bra. You don't dress sexy. Why a mistake? Guys are sexual so you should be sexy to attract attention. Men love to look at and are attracted to nipples and jiggling breasts (also, it's sexy).


We say: If this were true wouldn't Britney Spears have like 100 boyfriends by now?

Mistake 4:

When guests have a chance to say something to the couple at the reception, you pass. Why a mistake? Speak and show how funny and beautiful you are.


We say: Trust us — drunken thoughts are best kept to oneself. What seems funny and beautiful in your head usually involves getting written out of the will in reality.

Mistake 5:

You don't drink at the reception. Why a mistake? It's okay to be a bit tipsy at the reception (be careful: just a "bit"), then to be a little flamboyant while dancing.


We say: We'd like to amend this by saying you will not get through the ceremony itself, not to mention the reception, unless you're completely sloshed. There's a reason God made the beaded clutch, and that reason is called the flask.

Mistake 6:

You drink too much, get drunk, and start a striptease on the dance floor. Why a mistake? You don't act with a sense of class and femininity. You attract plenty of men, but no Good Men. Good Men are attracted to classy and feminine women.


We say: Bullshit. If you believe this then clearly you have never seen our favorite TV show The Girls Next Door. You stand no chance of landing Hugh Hefner without taking all your clothes off. And if Hef isn't a prime example of a "Good Man," we don't know who is!

Mistake 7:

You eat like a pig at the reception (wrong animal). Why a mistake? Always eat like a bird (right animal) when you want men to notice you.


We say: Puh-leeze. Anorexic girls are a dime a dozen nowadays. Stand out from the crowd by weighing more than a 5th grader!

Mistake 8:

You sit at a table and you dance infrequently at the reception. Why a mistake? Men can get to you more easily and you're more visible if you stand, preferably near the dance floor. Dance with anyone who asks you, so that all the men see you out on the dance floor, laughing, having fun, and being happy with all of the men you dance with.


We say: Who decided that a dance-floor was a fucking democracy?

Mistake 9:

You drive your car to the wedding, instead of getting a ride. Why a mistake? You can't accept a ride home with some hot-looking Good Man.


We say: Accepting a ride home from some strange (and probably drunk) "hot-looking Good Man" is a recipe for date rape. Or a car accident.

Mistake 10:

You get in an argument with your boyfriend who hasn't proposed yet, asking him when he will be ready to commit. Why a mistake? You should have come alone to the wedding. Your boyfriend you think is the love of your life is not in love with you enough to marry you.


We say: And the problem is? Fights with beaus just give us one more excuse to drink. Also, fights with boyfriends mean chances to flirt with strangers to make boyfriends jealous! Nothing drives two people together like alcohol and spite, we always say!

"Congratulations on Your Wedding; I Hate You!": The Top 10 Mistakes Single Women Make At Weddings [PRWeb]



Folks, I have this answer for all this literary assidity. The author obviously got stoned watching "Wedding Crashers" the night before her deadline. That's the only thing that makes sense to me.

Everyone else knows weddings are a FUCKING BORING NIGHTMARE OF EGOTISM to attend. I hated my own big fat wedding, which thankfully ended in divorced bliss, but this time around I am eloping to a small tropical island (or city hall) sans crazy-as-fuck family.

My bf had his own stoopid wedding affair first time around, complete with tacky horse-driven carriage, and we both completely agree weddings are expensive wastes of time and overly stressful pains in the arses.

This marriage is on our terms, for our pleasure, which means no free dinners for date searching desperados, sorry Geisha Gunt.