"How Do I Tell My Fiance He's Too Ugly To Father My Children?"

Today on Slate‘s “Dear Prudence” advice column, Prudie received one of the most appalling letters we’ve ever read. And gave ‘er hell! The vicarious thrills, after the jump.

Here’s the exchange in full:

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I are in a healthy and loving relationship, and we are beginning to talk about marriage. We both want the same number of kids at the same point in our lives. It is presumed that these will be our biological children. The issue is, I’m not sure that I would want to bear my boyfriend’s children. While he is incredibly intelligent and has a great personality, he is markedly less physically attractive than I am. We get occasional lighthearted comments from friends and family about the discrepancy. Having biological children has never been important to me, and I think adoption is great. I believe that he will be an amazing father and that our children, biological or adopted, would be bright and well-behaved as a result of good parenting. Should I bring these thoughts up with him? I think he would be open to the idea of adoption but would also be hurt by my rationale. At what point should we discuss this more seriously, and how should I tell him how I feel?

-Skinny Bitch

Dear Skinny,
You’re wise to avoid the potential tragedy of reproducing with your boyfriend: Your children could get his looks and your personality. Perhaps your boyfriend’s already got an inkling of how you feel because of the Leonardo DiCaprio mask you ask him to wear when you make love. And although Brad and Angelina are both fecund and support adoption, I’m not sure they’re going to agree to place any of their future progeny with you just to help you avoid the embarrassment of having a child who looks like your boyfriend. I’m trying to imagine how you initiate this discussion with him. Something like: “I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you. But when it comes to having kids, I’m sure that if we adopt we’ll have a better shot of having decent-looking ones than if I let you impregnate me with your hideous sperm.” That should go over well! What’s supposed to happen when you are in love with someone (who also happens to be intelligent and have a great personality) is that you discover, despite objective measures, that person is beautiful to you. Your boyfriend sounds like a catch, so maybe you should toss him back so that he has a chance to find someone who’s not permanently stuck in the shallow end.

-Prudie

To which we’d add: what is wrong with you that you would admit these thoughts into your conscious mind, let alone think you would receive any answer but this one? Also, what’s with the moniker? Is your bf fat, too? When you say “ugly” is that what you’re getting at? Or do you sign all such letters this way? The worst part is, you know she’s going to read this and say, “so…that’s a no? I should adopt without telling him why? Okay, thanks!” If she’s adopting with maximum beauty in mind, she may find the process slightly more challenging than she expects; disadvantaged supermodel birth mothers aren’t quite as thick on the ground as she might imagine, and I hate to break it to her, but you can’t really tell what a kid will look like, a major problem for looks-obsessed parents. One good thing: this letter entitles the writer a free pass to Douchebag Island, all expenses paid. Given that the entire cast of Tool Academy and a few aging Blind Daters are there, she should be able to find some suitably studly DNA to help populate the child beauty pageant circuit!