Perhaps, dear readers, you're wondering why no one on cable news seems to be telling you what the result of last night's 92 "Super Tuesday" primaries actually mean. BECAUSE THEY MEAN NOTHING. Hillary Clinton won the jackpot states, but Obama won more delegates — maybe. Oh yeah, and McCain won everything, so let's be optimistic for a second here and rejoice in the fact that whatever happens next November, the era of breaking out into boils every time you see the president on TV is FINALLY OVER. Unfortunately for us, the era of breaking into Ben & Jerry's in a 3 a.m. rage over some of y'all's primary night commentary is not. After the jump Megan Carpentier and I discuss upcoming inconclusive primaries to watch, and John McCain.

MOE: So uh, Barack Obama won Alaska! It's just because they hate women there. Check out this Super Tuesday map as compiled by the Germans. No, better yet, check this SuperTuesday map of California as compiled by the LA Times. It's funny how in most states, Obama wins the, like, black counties, whereas in California, he won the whitest white counties. Humboldt...Santa Cruz...Santa Barbara...San Francisco...all those counties where snowboarding is the economic engine.
MEGAN: Well, Idaho and Alaska are pretty white, too. And, if I recall correctly, he won a majority of white Democratic party voters in Georgia, too.
MOE: Really? Georgia??? I'd like to see the county readout of that.
MEGAN: That what the exit polls were reporting in the 7:00 hour, but here you go. He didn't win a majority among white men, though.
What's REALLY interesting to me is that if you compare the national maps of which candidate took which state — like the ones on the home page of the Washington Post this morning, how similar McCain's majority and Clinton's majority states are.
MOE: Chris Matthews was making a big deal about that. When was the last time the Republican candidate was chosen by the least Republican states, did not play to the base etc. etc. Um... when was it? Like I'd know. Was Nixon popular in the Bible belt?

MEGAN: Oklahoma and Missouri aren't exactly liberal bastions or something
MOE: Obama won Missouri, don't forget!
Yeah, and that's what I kept saying about Oklahoma.
MEGAN: but Matthews sometimes doesn't like to let facts get in between his brain and his mouth.
MOE: Uh yeah he talks with his gland.
MEGAN: see, i would've said "his ass" but either way

MOE: So basically delegate wise the two Dems are both in dead heat, McCain is pretty much a lock as much as the cable news channels love Huckabee because he will actually show up and talk to them about how he hates Mitt Romney for hours and hours...and...oh yeah, we were supposed to tell our readers what this actually means. I think it means YOUR VOTE STILL COUNTS, Megan Carpentier! So don't be makring your your calendar
MOE: Although I'm wondering if mine does. I'm registered in Pennsylvania.
MEGAN: Their primaries are April 22
MOE: Oh god.
Spring Break!
MEGAN: Oh, let me source that for anyone wondering when their state's is.
MOE: Well that will be fun. I love my polling place, it's this little South Philly social club and I'll get dinner at a BYOB afterwards. The first time I went in '04 all the little old people wanted to know if gay marriage or abortion was on the ballot. After hearing that neither were, they promptly voted for Kerry and tried to kick the local Republican boss out of dodge. Those people are not going to be Obama voters, something tells me. Although something tells me they may not be still alive.
MEGAN: I want to see old people drive a Republican party boss away with torches and pitchforks and walkers!
My polling place is a senior center, staffed by seniors. It is soooooooooo slooooooow
MOE: Yeah mine's pretty slow too but so is everything in Philly. SO. Who's better for winning all those old school blue states plus Oklahoma? McCain or Clinton?
And seriously, why are Californians still voting for John Edwards?

MEGAN: Well, part of that is absentee ballots, undoubtedly.
And part of it is people probably thinking that it would get him another couple of delegates, which it doesn't because he's no longer seeking them. Protests votes only work when cast for someone actually still in the race.
I mean, I think in a general election, Hillary probably takes California and New York, and McCain Oklahoma. The question is whether Republican voters turn out for McCain in swing states an/or which of them can inspire voters in the middle. Because neither particularly inspires me to wait in a 45 minute line with the old-people smell to spend 30 seconds touching a computer screen.
Also, I would like to make a plea here for my local election boards to remove all those annoying fuckers with "sample" ballots from my polling place, because walking that gauntlet makes me fucking cranky.
Thanks, assholes. I'm pretty sure I can figure out who your party's candidates' are, what with the big Rs and Ds next to everyone's name.
Sorry, pet peeve.

MOE: I generally think that turning out well in Hillary's states means good things for McCain in the swing states. But who actually knows. I have a feeling he'd be a much nastier debater vis a vis Hillary than Obama, plus there's the whole thing where their positions are actually different. But I can also see him slamming her inconsistency on, say, immigration, just for fun? Because he doesn't have to talk to Republicans anymore? The interesting part is we've never really gotten to see McCain throw down with anyone but his fellow Republicans.
Oh I guess we should also talk about how the people of Massachusetts don't just blindly follow wherever Ted Kennedy would try to steer them...
MEGAN: That's true. It's hard to paint McCain as a flip-flopper over anything other than his willingness to suck up to the hard right this time (unlike in 2000).
MOE: (insert your own tasteless joke)
MEGAN: Doesn't that make Obama a body of water?
That we all might drown in?
MOE: "Slutty anxious females" beware!!!


MOE: So this just in from Politico... Obama won the delegate race possibly maybe.
MEGAN: I dunno, CNN and the WaPo have him behind by about 20, give or take, not including New Mexico where it's so close that if his lead holds he'll only be about 1 delegate ahead
MOE: Hey, dumb question, how did Obama win New Mexico and lose Arizona and California so hard? Did they forget to put John Edwards on the ballot there? How does that bode for Texas? And when is the primary in Texas again?
MEGAN: which then puts him about 5 delegates short of her in terms of pledged delegates and about 74 short of her if you include superdelegates overall
The primary in Texas is March 4.
And, I have no idea. I know that Obama was there this week, and I'm not sure if Hillary was, and I'd bet NM doesn't get a lot of candidate love?
CNN's exit poll for NM here. Not that it's helpful.
MOE: Is it big? And also: don't they have Mexicans there? You know, the types that hate Luo tribesmen like Obama?? Or are they the assimilated Ingles speaking Mexicans that actually like Obama? The only people I've ever known to live in New Mexico were hippies who got unwittingly rich off software company options. All white.
MEGAN: Hillary won big among Latinos there, yes
MOE: Oh wow, Obama won every age group under sixty.
But it's an OLD state.
And yeah there weren't enough Latinos between 18-29 to tally up their vote in NM.
MEGAN: Or they couldn't find enough to agree to be interviewed
MOE: Right, actually Latinos between 18-29 allegedly made up 3% of the electorate there.
Also, it should be pointed out that Hillary wins the churchgoers.
MEGAN: Huh. I would not have guessed that one.

MOE: One state that I forgot to talk about last night was Paul Westerberg's home state of Minnesota, which I think brings up the interesting phenomenon of his campaign, which is, like, okay, it's one thing to win the college/idealist/"trendy" vote and the urban vote. But then he's got these states like Idaho and Colorado. It's an interesting collection of voters. I can, like, "see" the average Hillary voter a lot more clearly. With Obama it seems more nebulous.
And he won Minnesota by a long shot.

MEGAN: I mean, that's really been the essence of Obama's "uniting America" campaign, though, right? Appealing to non-traditional voters and the like. It's probably also worthwhile noting that many of the states Hillary won last night are closed-primary states.
So, it could be argued that Hillary's the nominee that Democrats want to vote for and Obama's the nominee lots of other people kind of want to vote for, which is then a discussion of whether it's good/appropriate/whatever for non-Democrats to be picking the Democratic nominee.
MOE: Hahaha it's only fitting when non-Republicans seem to be picking the Republican nominee! I don't think I was registered with a political party until I lived in Philly. Prior to that I voted, like, Green. Ha.
MEGAN: I am actually not registered in a political party at all, deliberately so. I never have been.
MOE: Can you vote in your chosen state?
MEGAN: Not that I want to state exactly where I live, but even if I could vote in a primary, I still would choose not to because I feel strange about picking the candidate for a party to which I don't belong.