In honor of the Romney victory in Michigan last night we were going to turn a critical eye to his wrongheaded policies and dangerously pro-business platitudes. Then we decided to turn a critical eye to his five smoking hot Mormon sons instead. And you know what? If polygamy is wrong, we don't want to be right. HOT JUICY PICS of Tagg, Ben, Matt, Craig and — swoon! — Josh Romney after the jump.
MOE: Soooo Hillary's win: quite the referendum
MEGAN: People like her better than not voting, sort of
MOE: "Tonight Michigan Democrats spoke loudly for a new beginning." Well, at least 200 of them did.
MEGAN: She got 55% of the 600,000 people that bothered turning out in a state with a Democratic governor, 2 Democratic Senators and that's been blue the last 4 Presidential elections.
Romney got 39% of about 850,000 GOP voters, which means that he technically got the same number of votes as Clinton...
MOE: Oh my god I didn't realize so many Democrats actually showed up for that thing. Um, WHY?
MEGAN: Well, there are like 10 million people in Michigan, so that's only like 15% of the population. Apparently, it was really cold there yesterday.
MOE: Okay well the big news is that Romney did not lose because Michigan Republicans somehow think anyone who can save the Olympics can resuscitate the lifeblood of their economy. There were lots of Republicans quoted in the papers yesterday saying they trusted him because he"comes from business." Um, it was sad. Because, you know, and this is going to sound really me of me, but when Romney was in the private sector he was a leveraged buyout guy. He ran numbers, laid people off, figured out how to break up and put together companies in a way that was more palatable to the stock market, then take those companies to the market and use the proceeds and the profits to pay back the crazy amounts of debt he'd used to acquire them in the first place. And the problem with LBOs is that they're inherently very superficial, cynical things. When some buyout firm acquires a company with borrowed money, the cash flow of that company doesn't get invested back into capital equipment or research and development or anything resembling the "future." It pays off interest so that guys like Mitt Romney can get fabulously wealthy because they know how to run the numbers. And my only point is that, you know, I have nothing against shrewd business minds, the private sector, the nimbleness and innovation and all that malarkey. But it pains me that people who keep voting for economic reasons can't differentiate between someone like Mitt Romney and someone like Steve Jobs. Not that Steve Jobs manufactures anything in this country, he was just an easy name to throw out there during MacWorld etc.
So anyhow now that I've been thoroughly depressing maybe we should turn our attention to HOT MORMON ACTION.
MEGAN: Democratic strategists reading this pay attention: Moe just told you to go find out how many people Mitt Romney laid off and where he may/may not have tranferred their jobs to (China). You're welcome.
And, yes, now on to the important shit.
MOE: Uh, the prob is that Bain Capital was actually so BORING they didn't get much press.
They invested in Duane Reade and Staples.
I mean, those are pretty boring businesses.
MEGAN: Isn't Duane Reade, like, only in the NY Metro area?
MOE: yeah and Plan B at Duane Reade is like eight dollars more than it is at Rite Aid, I can tell you that much.
MEGAN: When I lived in NY, neither pharmacy stocked it.
MOE: Okay, so the Romney boys may not be a match for Meghan McCain when it comes to updating their blog but they have one thing going for them and that is the genes of two incredibly conventionally good-looking individuals.
With whom shall we start?
MEGAN: Here, here.
Um, shall we go from the lesser to the greater?
Because, in that case, I'd have to say that Craig Romney is not the cutest.
Except in the boat picture.
MOE: Oh now see, there is where you are wrong. Have you seen him on TV though?
MEGAN: you know, I can't say that I have. I'm happy to be wrong. The more man candy, the better.
It's something about the teeth.
MOE: Yeah, he shouldn't smile.
He looks like that kid in high school who was really endearing but, like, totally remedial.
To his credit he has good taste in TV. And likes Hot Chip. He reminds me of my brother sorta. But gayer. And more married.
MEGAN: I mean, let's not get me wrong: I totally dated the dorks in high school. There wasn't a ton of dating outside your caste.
See, I think Matt Romney looks more like your brother, but I was drinking a little when we met and kind of overwhelmed by the entire Tkacik clan.
MOE: Hmm, we could do a side by side comparison What do we know of Matt Romney? He's the brother I always forget.
MEGAN: According to his MySpace profile, he's a married Scorpio
and he's 35
MOE: They're ALL married. And Craig is only 26 and is maybe gay.
But whatever, I don't trust that pic of his face, in front of the tree, with the undershirt perfectly peeking out from under the blue sweatshirt that matches his eyes. He has a distinctly religious Adam's apple and there's something also shady about that haircut.
He's televangelist meets Reality TV bachelor handsome
MEGAN: Ok, I just went to Craig's page and it started playing Imitosis and I have to agree he's already the coolest one.
Oh, yes, Matt is totally the jock-fratboy-business school one. I'm ok with that. I never actually date those guys, I just pick them up when I'm bored and need to get some.
MOE: Oh, yeah, I would totally pick him up out of boredom. I mean, he's probably only ever had sex with one woman.
But onward! We need to discuss BEN. Who lives with his wife and beard, unsurprisingly, in Boston. In Boston that beard is acceptable I think.
MEGAN: I think the evidence is in that he has since shaved the beard.
Also, I have a thing for facial hair, but I did go to college in Boston, so...
I think he's cute, in a hippie kind of way which means that I'd definitely date him but then I'd want him to grow a pair and he wouldn't and I'd be bored.
Wait, I think we're all slowly discovering exactly why I'm still single.
MOE: You took the words out of my mouth. It's like, his form of rebellion was NOT knocking up his wife at age 22. And med school. He probably really likes dinner parties. And hookahs.
But onward! Because I want you to type "Josh Romney" into your Myspace search field.
MEGAN: [begins laughing my ass off]
I can't believe you can even name yourself that!
MOE: We should link here. Do you have the link? aaah TOO MANY WINDOWS OPEN.
OH, here we go.
But Josh Romney, the non-gay, non-black, non-tattooed son of Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is definitely cute, even if his hair is a little twee.
MOE: Did you check the pic with his FAMILY???? He is just so retarded hot.
I mean, he's a little scary hot, sure.
He could totally be a serial killer.
MEGAN: Retarded hot is the picture of him in a Red Sox jersey at Fenway
MOE: Oh fuck I think we found a lead photo!
MEGAN: Let's hope it doesn't piss off the Jezzie Yankee nation, but hells yeah.
MOE: Okay we have not talked about Tagg but Tagg seems like the smartass. He said his dad was the "cheapest man alive" once. He makes up for his less than Romnificent looks w. fratboy humor. Meh, but I'd do him. Although he probs has 80 kids by the ripe age of 37.