Hotels Offering Fifty Shades of Grey Theme Rooms (B.Y.O. Anal Beads)

Though nowadays it’s a given that women are complex sexual beings with their very own treasure troves of physical and emotional desires, this was not always the case. In fact, up until recently, it was thought by both men and women alike that all women were asexual and only participated in sexual intercourse for the sake of procreation or for having “nothing better to do.” Of course, it’s hard to remember — this was all the way back in 2011, before E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey came along and turned everything we thought we knew about sexuality on its head. For example, did you know that before James’ sexual heroine Anastasia Steele demonstrated otherwise, everyone thought that the vagina was an oddly shaped and mildly inconvenient breadbox? It’s true!

Of course, now, as fortunate denizens of post-Fifty Shades world, we know better — women like to fuck and they like to fuck nasty. They will pay big bucks to go to male stripper movies, as long as the movie is starring Channing Tatum’s neck, and are willing to line up in public at broad daylight to have their poorly-written erotic novels signed by an author that’s making a reported million dollars a week.

Perhaps the most recent trend in capitalizing on the Women’s Pussies Are People, Too movement is coming from the hospitality industry where several hotels are offering Fifty Shades of Grey packages, which include limo and helicopter rides, roses (snore), ice buckets shaped like top hats (I’m listening…) and special pleasure boxes with contents too dangerous (Gwyneth Paltrow’s head, presumably) to show on TV. The hotels are mostly located on the West Coast, both in Seattle where the books take place and in San Francisco, a town that has always been on the more progressive side of things.

If you plan on booking a room, be sure to bring your own sex toys. You know hotels — they never really wash things.