Hillary Wins Big In Thrilling Plot Twist, Oh Yay!

Illustration for article titled Hillary Wins Big In Thrilling Plot Twist, Oh Yay!

Oh Hell no! (Or put another way, Hell no.) Howwwww much longer can this go one? Until quality secure green collar jobs are found for the cast of The Hills? Until, oh ha ha ha, "Hill freezes over"?? (Hey, by the way, that's already happening to Obama's superdelegates!) Maybe until everyone dies like in the Decameron. CAN EVERYONE JUST DIE ALREADY PLEASE. After the jump, I call in first buddylist member Megan Carpentier of the blog Glamocracy to discuss why Hillary won the white Texan male vote, whether she photoshopped Obama's face to look like a scary black man and whose is a more influential endorsement, Jay Rockefeller or Jay-Z.


MOE: i get to be a part of the democratic democratic process now!
MOE: shit is going to Pennsylvania, where even the governor says everyone's racist!
MEGAN: In like 6 weeks!! Is it completely selfish that part of me was all, oh, thank goodness because otherwise what the hell would I write about if the race was over?
MEGAN: I mean, I'm sorta fine if it is, I'm mostly just checking.
MEGAN: Hahaha, no one really cares about the isues.
MEGAN: They plan to beat McCain? I thought they just planned to beat up on each other until August 28th.
MOE: You're right. That was never the plan. The plan was to beat that Law & Order guy or something, right? What happened to that guy?
MEGAN: He's home fucking his hot wife and making PB&J sammiches for their kids and laughing his ass off.
MOE: But McCain is looking like a formidable candidate! Look, Cindy is even softening up her look.
MEGAN: OMG, I loved her hair last night, for real. Good job McCain stylist! Or Meghan! Whomever did it.
MOE: Howard Kurtz is crediting Tina Fey for the win. Personally I'm crediting all the recent support from my mom. Or Republicans crossing over to vote for Hillary.
MEGAN: Rush Limbaugh, evil genius? I did see M'Ann Coulter yesterday taking up Rush's call to pick the Democrats' nominee the way the "liberals" and the mainstream media "picked" theirs. And she wasn't even talking about how Kos encouraged Dems to vote Romney in Michigan!
MEGAN: By voting for Hillary.
MOE: Oh no! I missed an Ann Coulter appearance on the teeveee?? All the lost page views...
MEGAN: Also, may I take a moment to suggest that our beloved commenters and everyone else reading this take a deep breath and STOP trying to figure out who Karl Rove et al don't want you to vote for. You know what they wanted? This.
MOE: So is there even anything demographically interesting to say about this? She won the HILLSPANICS and the OVER THE HILLS and white women blah blah
MEGAN: Also, apparently, white men voted for her in droves for the first time.
MOE: Hahahaha "beloved"
MOE: White men in Ohio? Or Texas too?
MEGAN: Both, if I recall my exit poll watching correctly.
MEGAN: We could talk about how, with 40% of the vote in, Obama is currently winning the Texas caucuses, though that could change, too.
MEGAN: Also, can we have an official fashion opinion on Michelle Obama's outfit?
MEGAN: Bolero? And what looked like raw silk? It definitely rode up a little in the small of her back, which stuff does on me all the time because of my sticky-outie ass.
9:00 AM
MOE: I keep looking for a pic
9:05 AM
MEGAN: It's actually patterned silk.
MEGAN: Here's the full shot from the side.
9:10 AM
MEGAN: And the full frontal. Quite the daring slit.
MOE: Wow that is kind of hot. I don't like it as much as I usually like her outfits but she pulls it fucking off.
MOE: Also she works out "like a gladiator" according to that New Yorker profile. Did you see how it quoted you?
MEGAN: I did! Though they neglected to use my actual name, I sent it to my dad who was very proud because the least vulgar thing I said was "bitch." My dad fucking hates it when I swear. Oops. He reads this most days. Sorry, Dad!
9:15 AM
MOE: My mom is completely oblivious to the entire blog.
MEGAN: I know! I find that so amusing. But my dad always wanted me to be a "writer" and this is the closest thing plus, these days, it's better to say his overeducated daughter is a professional blogger than a lobbyist or even an ex-lobbyist (thanks Vicki Iseman).
9:20 AM
MEGAN: Also, I don't know if you saw, but I texted you last night because the HD-TV I was watching in the bar when Hillary gave her victory speech made Hillary's suit look electric pink instead of red and it rendered my friend and I speechless.
MEGAN: Because I am morally opposed to pink.
MOE: Yeah I got your text. At like 5 a.m. I was supposed to go to a primary party but instead sat at a bar talking about ...uh...boys. Sorry I've been distracted; I've been trying to scan the New York Post cover but it, of course, won't fit in my scanner. She looks pretty in a very fuchsia tone of red on the cover.
MOE: I don't know if you saw Rolling Stone endorsed Obama but it's kind of like one of those things with Hillary and Barbra; maybe it can't hurt but it also can't help.
MEGAN: No, totally cool. So, um, DailyKos is reporting and FoxNews re-reporting that Hillary's peeps Photoshopped a pic of Obama for an ad to make him look darker skinned.
MOE: Oh GOD yeah that was all over the Post. We got a bunch of tips about this yesterday.
MOE: He definitely looks, uh, different. They gave him like Goth mouth.
MEGAN: I think he shaves a unibrow, looking at that. Like, as opposed to waxes.
MOE: I think I'll have to put it up side-by-side with some of those lightened Beyonce cover pics.
MEGAN: Well, if there's one good thing about being goth pale without makeup it's that my pictures can only be made flatteringly darker, and never lighter.
MOE: The interesting thing is that is face in the darkened shot looks more intelligent but also more sinister, ANGRIER. Not about to denounce or reject any of that etc. etc.
MOE: Can I point out this somewhat telling paragraph of the Jann Wenner endorsement of Obama for a sec?

The book was a revelation. Here was a man whose honesty about himself and understanding of the human condition are both deep and compassionate. Born to a white mother and an African father, he was raised in multiracial Hawaii and for several years in Indonesia. He drifted through some druggy teenage years — no apologies! — before emerging as a star at Harvard Law School.

Um.... spoken like a guy who spent his first half century in the closet or something!
MEGAN: Well, they didn't "darken" it per se, they seem to have boosted the blue tones and reduced the red ones, which is kind of interesting. They made him more blue.
MEGAN: I mean, really? Can't we all just agree we did some fucked up things as teenagers? Obama got high, Hillary was a Republican, whatevs.
MOE: He's got the blues! How appropriate!
MEGAN: Or you know, blue=liberal, etc.
MOE: No but it's like still this fundamentally surprising thing to the boomer icons. I think that's why so many dumb confessional memoirs are still getting acquired by boomer book editors. They're still like, you're admitting you INHALED COCAINE?
MEGAN: You know what's funny? My sister had to take one of those honesty tests in high school to get a retail job and because she (and I) were both too honest and goody-goody, they thought she was lying and wouldn't give her the job.
MEGAN: Because it was so far outside the realm of possibilities that two high school kids never drank alcohol, smoked pot or stole anything.
MOE: Ummmm what exactly does an "honesty test" consist of? Is it like Moment Of Truth? Yeah I just didn't give a shit. I thought getting drunk was cool. Okay, I guess we should get back to the issue at hand though. Hillary won last night. She tore it up in Ohio. She won Texas by 4 points. What's the deal with the delegates? Is she supposed to emerge from this with more delegates?
MEGAN: More than yesterday, yes. But she needed to win by more than 60 percent in each state to overtake Obama in the pledged delegate count, which she obviously didn't do. So, he's still winning, by something less than 100 delegates.
MEGAN: That doesn't include the 1/3 of Texas delegates awarded in the caucuses, which has yet to be decided.
MEGAN: In the pledged delegate count, he's actually still 130 ahead, but she's got just under a 50 superdelegate lead on him at the moment, so his total lead is less than 100 overall.
MOE: Here's a breakdown. Hillary won those who made up their minds at the last minute again and all the demographics everyone expected. Why did she win white Texas males again though? I think that's totally Republicans crossing the lines. And not because I believe Jann Wenner when he says he hangs out with people at the "highest levels" of Republican campaign politics. Although that would make for a fun sex scandal.

I first learned of Barack Obama from a man who was at the highest level of George W. Bush's political organization through two presidential campaigns. He described the first-term senator from Illinois as "a walking hope machine" and told me that he would not work for any Republican candidate in 2008 if Obama was nominated.

MEGAN: Oh, some Republican operative doesn't like to lose.
MEGAN: I think that "who ya gonna call" commercial works really well on men in a way it doesn't on women, personally.
MOE: What was up with Tom Brokaw claiming yesterday he had 50 superdelegates he was about to let loose?
MEGAN: Um, and thus is just rampant speculation on my part, but, like, did you notice that every SINGLE time Hillary makes a negative attack, within minutes him campaign responds with disappointment and then immediately issues something positive the press has to report on?
MEGAN: Meaning every negative, practically, is packaged with something positive and shiny?
MEGAN: Like, say, Dodd's endorsement last week?
MEGAN: I'm guessing they keep people who have privately pledged in their pocket for that shit. Axelrod's fucking smart.
MOE: Is that, like, working though? Chris Dodd didn't seem to be that effective a counterstrategy. Although, wait a second, on that note, we still haven't discussed who's a better endorsement: Jay Rockefeller or Jay-Z?
MEGAN: Ooh! Ooh! I know the answer to that one!
MEGAN: Also, yes, Dodd didn't make the splash they wanted, but it worked for 2 months before that.
MOE: Well it looks like the Clinton campaign has caught wind of this strategy and has been "scrambling" to "freeze" Obamaphile superdelegates before they declare support. Ha ha ha Hill freezes over.
MEGAN: Oh, Christ. This is going to be so ugly.

MOE: Oh finally a story about Hillary's gay love.
MOE: Classy joint:

At around 8:30 p.m., nervous about the tightening Texas race and watching Sen. John McCain give his victory speech, someone yelled out: "Look at Cindy McCain! That's either an Adam's apple or a very big pimple!"


MEGAN: Speaking of ugly...
MEGAN: Yeah, actually, I was wondering aloud yesterday why the LGBT community seems to have gone overwhelmingly for Clinton who's running on the strength of her first stretch in the White House — you know, when her husband instituted Don't Ask Don't Tell and signed into law the Defense of Marriage Act.
10:00 AM
MEGAN: Oh, and she's for ENDA, just not the version that includes transgender rights.
MEGAN: I think it's a lot of the HRC for, um, HRC.



Oh Senator Clinton. Please be my president. I promise once I have a baby, I'll let you hold her in a photo op! Senator Obama. Good game. I'll vote for you happily in Nov should things swing your way, but I'll more happily vote for you in 2012 or 2016.

@PinkSoxHat: Let this be a message to all pro-lifers: don't dump all your time and effort into the fetus demographic— fetuses don't vote.