Hillary Was In The Next Room While Monica Blew Bill!

Illustration for article titled Hillary Was In The Next Room While Monica Blew Bill!

You knew the universe was absurd. But did you know Hillary was in the White House the whole time Monica was blowing Bill? (Well, by now, probably!) Or...that the appropriate response to a cartoon defiling your favorite prophet as a bloodthirsty murderer is to plot to murder the cartoonist? That linking Mohammed to violence in a cartoon is even more worthy of violence than linking him to a Teddy Bear? (Some opiate, that religion.) Osama Bin Laden has something to say about all this, and that something is: Fuck the Pope. And, oh yeah, by the way, it's the fifth anniversary of that war everyone (and the Pope!) has been ragging on to boost his poll numbers lately, but Bin Laden doesn't mention that, or the fact that a philandering sex-addicted governor who billed his sexytime to taxpayers was just replaced by a philandering sex addict governor who billed his sexytime to campaign contributors, only this time he'd blind. So you know, the Bin Laden message probably isn't new, although, honestly, I don't know and neither does Glamocracy's Megan Carpentier, so instead we mainly discuss whether we'd buy the Eliot Spitzer Playgirl after the jump.


[Classy imagery courtesy Shieldsnet.]

MEGAN: We should probably kick this off, but it's too close to Friday for me to care too much about pretty much anything.
MOE: The plot to kill the Dutch cartoonist for drawing Mohammed with a bomb in his turban and the ensuing saber-rattling — or you know, assault rifle-rattling — from Osama Bin Laden directed at Europe and the Pope (but not, curiously, Bush) doesn't interest you at all?
MOE: Because I have to say that is about the strangest fifth anniversary present you could give the Administration.
MOE: New OBL recording threatening Europe and calling the cartoons a worse offense than anything the good ol' US of A has ever done is kind of interested.
MEGAN: Insofar as it seems sort of batshit, but I did love his swipe at the Saudi king in there for being insufficiently pissed off about it.
MOE: Jesus Christ, fifty people died in the protests against the cartoons.
MEGAN: That's less than the last round of protests, though, right? So, like, progress?
MOE: I read something in defense of black anger was, for me, a really big relief.
MEGAN: See, I really like Mike Huckabee as long as he has absolutely no chance of ever having the power to change anything about my life or the rights I currently enjoy.
MEGAN: Also, now that he's done campaigning, he can get back to regular exercise and healthy eating and drop the weight he put on in the last month because, for him, it's a health issue. Don't yo-yo, Mike!
MOE: Here's the Bin Laden video, if anyone's interested, annotated by someone who likes dissecting this sort of thing I suppose, and that person thinks it's a mashup using old audio. Which would make sense since the cartoon controversy is only like a million years old. I dunno. Now I can't find the Times story, but the best thing was how everyone had forgotten about it, and then the cartoonist was like, no seriously guys, they're really trying to kill me.
MOE: So, uh, onto more important issues! Hillary's schedule as First Lady. "Classic First Lady fare"? And maybe not such a great friend to Vince Foster? Can you believe that the first thing anyone in the media anyone bothered figuring out was where she was on Dia Del Dress??? Well yes, of course you can.
MEGAN: Nope, they're back protesting again. Who'd'a thunk that if you combine religion, grinding poverty, overarching patriarchy and the inability for men to achieve what they are told they ought that you'd get a bunch of mindless, repetitive violence aimed at forces beyond their control and directed by dudes who want power and prestige for themselves?
MEGAN: What I can't believe is that anyone ever thought that her schedule would be interesting!
MEGAN: Like, was there supposed to be an day where it was like "3:30: Illicit lesbian sex. 6:15: Shower 7:00: Dinner with illegal campaign donors 10:30: Kill Vince Foster 10:35: Initiate massive cover-up operation 10:45: Stop by Kathleen Willey's to kill cats."
MOE: Well, here's the thing. Just whyyyyyyy am I expected to believe she is so fucking experienced? Seriously? Tell me!
MEGAN: She is! She singlehandedly wrote all the good legislation ever passed in Congress during her husband's Administration AND negotiated all this really nice peacemaking stuff which is why she was totes to busy to notice things like NAFTA, the Defense of Marriage Act, welfare "reform" and the don't ask, don't tell policy. Plus the part where the government turned over all student loans to private lenders which is why that bloodsucking bitch Sallie Mae is riding your ass rather than the Department of Education (which is how it used to be).
MOE: I was about to say "you know what? Forget it. Don't answer that. Commenters will answer that." So anyway, we should probably address the issue of
MOE: sex and sex and sex... because that's what the readers want right?
MEGAN: Please, please, please, let us never again contemplate a photo shoot of Eliot Spitzer oiled, naked and with his erect cock in his hands. Please. I mean, I need to lose weight but I was always planning on being a drunkorexic and not a bulimic.
MOE: This is a pretty good story about Hillary's schedule, by the way.

And then, this note, and perhaps she was glad for the rare instance when the script left a line up to her discretion: "Upon conclusion of dinner, the President and First Lady have the first dance (optional)."

MEGAN: Dude, I do believe the dance is always optional, which sucks. My ex-bf and I danced a total of, like, 2 times in 4 years and I like to dance.
MOE: Yeah I don't think I really danced very much with my ex boyfriend but I like to dance by myself, on account of my very individualistic notion of "rhythm."
MEGAN: I'm not gonna pretend like I don't dance around my apartment singing along to crap that I drunkenly download from iTunes.

MOE: Clinton has apparently "doubled her lead" in Pennsylvania primary polls. You know what I love about stories like this? When they don't remind you what date the primary happens. Though they did take pains to say exactly when the polls were conducted, which was March 15 and 16, before the speech in Philadelphia. It is really hard for me to believe that speech did not help him in Pennsylvania. Perhaps because I am an irrational emotion-driven idealist, but whatevs.
MOE: Not sure if it helps or hurts Obama that Rev. Wright is a product of the Philadelphia public school system.
MOE: Hahaha Arlen Specter was on Stern yesterday. I have to fucking get Sirius. SRIUSLY!
MEGAN: I think she's taking PA, though. Other than the speech, it's drip drip drip on Obama all month. Today alone it that his campaign neglected to remove the blog of the New Black Panther Party from their site. The ADL identifies them as an extremist hate group because they're super Anti-Semetic. Plus, you know, it's being widely reported that he's standing between Michigan and a revote because he wants those people who voted in the Republican primary already (like, say, all those Dems that Kos told to vote for Romney) to be able to vote again which just completely fucks up his argument about fairness.
MEGAN: He was on Jon Stewart, too, all jowls and phlegmy laughs.
MOE: Yeah I haven't been paying attention to Michigan and/or Florida. I just want them to go away. It's like, oh Jesus Fuck, this is annoying. At this point I don't care who wins. I'm just glad he gave that speech. That's what a sucker I am. Plus I have to go now. So many things left undiscussed! Will we ever get into our debate re the future of the troop surge? Speaking of, interestingly, the Wash Post lead editorial today slams Obama and Clinton for their kind of delusion-heavy Iraq rhetoric, which is a pet peeve of mine.
MEGAN: I saw that, but decided to do Crappy Hour before reading it.
MOE: While David Broder calls McCain's Baghdad visit a "missed opportunity" — why I'm not totally sure. But I guess it all goes to show that even though we know our next president will not be a retard, he or she will not necessarily be able to solve anything. SIGH.
MEGAN: Hail to the motherfucking Chief.



@Leiakat: Legend is that Ike had a thing with his secretary during WWII; Aren't there accusations or insinuations about GHWB? Johnson? JFK is pretty common knowledge; I'd venture to say that Gerald Ford and Jimmy carter may have been our only 100% faithful Presidents.

@NefariousNewt: We can't really fight about issues because that would give the Republicans something to use. The Dems ran clips of GHWB calling Reagonomics, Voodoo Economics; Al Gore was the one who brought-up Willie Horton in the primaries; If, we or the candidates were to actually argue issues, then the Republicans would be the ones to benefit.

@rsr26: I actually think that Obama will probably be the nominee because there's the possiblility that he might win something from the South, he may have a "big tent", plus the kids have basically said that they'll throw a tantrum and burn our cities, if the Superdelegates don't bow to their wishes.

Right now, Hillary is keeping us in the headlines and she's there as a backup, if something were to go wrong on the Obama side.

I also think that it's time that we start making noise about forcing her onto the ticket, if she's not the nominee. A few weeks ago, when Hillary suggested a "dream ticket", Obama didn't think and started talking about how the qualifications for VP should be the same as for the top. Well, if believes such things, then why would Hillary with her "experience" and almost 50% of the vote not be better qualified than the Governor of Kansas? Plus, it'd unite the party.