Hillary Clinton Literally Chased Out of Malawi By Bees

Bees — the Secret Service’s firearms are useless against them, a fact that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton learned as she was preparing to depart Malawi on Sunday. Clinton breezed through a six-hour visit to Malawi that included a meeting with President Joyce Banda, as well as two visits to U.S.-endorsed projects on education for girls and food security. She was scheduled to leave for Johannesburg, South Africa at about 4:30 pm, but her departure was marred by the sudden appearance of bees. Lots of bees.

According to eyewitnesses, a cloud of bees suddenly descended on the airport, forcing Malawians and Americans alike to scream, united across an ocean of culture and saltwater by the deep and abiding fear of bees every human develops after their first foolhardy attempt to spray a hornet’s nest with Super Soakers. Or whatever. An eyewitness described the briefly frenzied scene: “There was a slight panic as the bees winged across the airport. People could be seen running away to keep cover as the Secretary of State swiftly boarded her plane to avoid any stings.”

African bees are what scientists refer to, technically, as “not-fucking-around bees,” though it isn’t clear that our beloved jetsetter was in any real danger. Come to think of it, the Malawians probably asked Clinton to hang around for a while longer, and, feeling bad about having to leave so quickly, she decided to spare the Malawians’ feelings by radioing in a hive of Secretary of State emergency escape bees rather than spurn a friendly invitation. It’s all part of the bigger picture, you understand.