Hi, No, Dorinda's Gross Boyfriend Is Not the 'Breakout Star' of RHONY

Today, the New York Post published something so ill-informed, so inaccurate, so dangerous, that my head is spinning.

The hottest new cast member of “The Real Housewives of New York” has a gut, chest hair and sweats at the mere sight of sun.

That’s right. The Post is trying to tell us that John Mahdessian—dry cleaning entrepreneur, boyfriend to new Real Housewives castmember Dorinda, reanimated meatball (I’m sorry!)—is the new “breakout star” of The Real Housewives of New York City.

Counterpoint: No, he isn’t.

Mahdessian is the show’s breakout star this year, thanks to his and Medley’s cantankerous relationship, his shameless flirting and his larger-than-life personality.

In one episode, the 49-year-old is caught grinding against Housewives Sonja Morgan and Kristen Taekman like a horny spring-breaker; in another, he’s partying it up solo, to everyone’s horror, at midtown’s Beautique.

Last week, Ramona Singer called Mahdessian “crass” and accused him of using her pal for her swank uptown pad and connections.

The “Sultan of Stains,” as the Post refers to him, is unruffled by the (relatively little) attention he has received from fans of the show.

“It really doesn’t do anything for me because when I go to the Met Gala, the richest, most prominent people recognize me,” says Mahdessian, who keeps a pack of Marlboro Lights within reach.

Cool. He maybe goes to the Met Gala, he’s a horrible boyfriend, he’s clearly in the mafia, and if I have to imagine him having sex with Dorinda one more time I’m going to die.

“I was able to develop methods and techniques that allow us to be leaders and pioneers now in our industry,” he says from his tiny, windowless office, its fridge stocked with bottles of Notorious Pink, the line of rosé his girlfriend is hawking.

John is not a pioneer. John is a dry cleaner, which is totally fine, but what’s not fine is the fact that he is a real live caveman who frequently turns puce for no good reason. Literally anyone else in the world would have been a better subject for this article. For example:

Dorinda, John’s girlfriend, who is an actual member of the cast and wore the same dress a bunch of times in a very relatable way.
Carole’s extremely hot 28-year-old boyfriend Adam, who deserves more screen time.
Fredrik from Million Dollar Listing, who keeps showing up to pat Bethenny’s shoulder when she cries about her apartment renovation.
The mouth guard that flew out of the ring and landed next to a screaming Kristen Taekman at that weird boxing match Carole made everyone attend.