A lot of you wondered why the woman on the receiving end of our last, ever-so-slightly overwrought Crap Email From a Dude would stoop to dating such an insufferable pig. Well, as if on cue, our inbox yielded an answer: because charmers like THIS is what you get for surfing Nerve Personals. Elliott warned Carmen that he was inexperienced with the dating stuff, which is probably why he flailed wildly between needing her so very very badly when she was out of town working a political campaign, and catching a virulent case of Sudden Revulsion Syndrome (an invention of the same friend who thought of this feature) when a bunch of friends backed out of a Thanksgiving dinner she'd planned, leaving the two of them alone (horrors!) with their turkey and his ejaculation problems. And so, we proudly welcome you all back to Crap Email From A Dude. The names are made up but the warped, therapy-addled logic that's almost enough to make you think Tom Cruise has a point is all too real. Oh, and not that it matters, but the trip to Ikea was HIS idea. And the best background detail?* After the jump.
Hi Carmen,
Thanks for sending me my stuff.
I guess I can write stuff that I didn't feel like I could say when we were going out. For instance, at the time I was talking to my shrink, he kept reminding me that I'm doing the dating thing as an experiment, and that I was really not in any place to drop myself into a deep monogamous relationship. That's basically the way I was looking at things. I was not mature enough or ready or even eager to be in a relationship when my dating experience was so minimal. At the time I didn't think I could say that to you, but I became aware that you had certain expectations but that I couldn't commit myself based on that, even if it hurt you. You wanted to go shopping at Ikea together. I also can't help but wonder about how you managed to avoid planning Thanksgiving with your friends—how you avoided making plans with them. I think you wanted it to be just you and me, but it was done covertly, probably without you even knowing what you were doing. You put off making plans until the weekend before! I would certainly have felt had more breathing space if you had a party with your friends over, but I feel you managed to arrange it so that didn't happen. I began to feel smuggled into a deep relationship without it being acknowledged.
People date to find out about themselves—ideally—about what they like and don't like. And even tho I don't know how it's going to be resolved, I know that when I start getting close to a woman like we were, I just resist the obligations and responsibilities that go along with growing closer. And there are obligations—accounting for one's time and all that.
I also know that when you went out of town I was deep down really mad about that, all that subconscious stuff, and on a conscious level, I found I got pissed off when you told me you were out partying. I know
you told me about the hard work, but I'm talking relationship stuff, and if I'm missing you how am I supposed to feel when you boast you smoked from your first hookah? Happy for you? When I'm feeling
abandoned?So it was a mix of my deep down habit of insecure attachments which was fueled by what you were telling me.
Plus the incredibly depressing fact of my failure at ejaculation, which led me to feelings of self-hate I really didn't want to deal with every weekend. I don't like it that "sex" would turn out to be "let's try and get (his name) off this time." Also, I found it incredibly difficult to even fantasize when I was stimulating myself with you there, so I was really feeling stifled.
I know you'll want to respond to all of this, and I guess I can't stop you from doing that, but I don't look forward to a debate.
*Elliott's Age: 43