Hey, Guys: If I Don't Know You, Then Hands Off.

Illustration for article titled Hey, Guys: If I Don't Know You, Then Hands Off.

Ladies, let's see a show of hands if the following has happened to you: You're out at a bar or a similarly crowded venue meant for socializing. You're minding your own business, chatting with some friends, doing body shots, whatevs, when you feel a hand on the small of your back. You turn around and see a completely random guy trying to maneuver his way behind you. If you're really unlucky, his hand might linger on your back. If you're really REALLY unlucky, he'll wink at you when he does this.


Whoa, that's a lot of hands in the air. This, my friends, is some bullfuckity bullshit.

Every time this happens to me, I immediately grab the guy's hand and fling it off me. If it's been a long night, I'll usually throw in a glare, because what the hell does he think he's doing?

My problem here isn't so much the touching; it's WHERE I'm being touched. Although, most of the time, you absolutely do not need to put your hands on someone to get them to move a few inches. USE YOUR WORDS. Yes, bars and clubs can get very loud, which is why you try raising your voice a bit. If, then, you're still not getting a response, that's when you touch them. But USING YOUR WORDS should always be the first option.

If you find it absolutely necessary to put your hands on a woman you've never met in your life, why not try an area a little further away from her ass? MIGHT THAT BE A GOOD IDEA GUYS?

As far as I'm concerned, the only places you should really be touching a complete stranger in a non-emergency situation are their hands and shoulders. Most other places can very easily be misconstrued as something a lot less innocent.

What's most obnoxious about this is that it's a complete violation of personal space disguised as some sort of polite gesture. What, he's just trying to gently guide your feminine frame and apparently the space directly above your ass is the steering wheel? Why not give me a tap on the shoulder? Or my arm? Or my UPPER back?


And yes, I'm only calling out straight men on this because, duh. In my experience, I've never seen a woman do this to another woman. I've never seen a man do this to another man. I've also never seen a gay man do this to a woman.

There are probably some guys reading this who don't understand what I'm getting all worked up about. Look, when I'm touched by a man I don't know in a way that is very easily interpreted as a sexual gesture, particularly in a hectic environment like a nightclub, it scares me. It sends the message that you think it's appropriate for you to put your hands on me anywhere you want, for any reason you see fit.


I am not overacting with this. I can already hear someone whining "But what if I didn't mean anything by it? What if my intentions were good and honest and I just wanted to create some space so I could move by?" I can respect that, but quite frankly, your intentions mean jack shit. When you put your hands THAT CLOSE TO MY ASS how exactly do I know your intentions are good? I don't know you. And even if your intentions aren't skeezy, what makes you think I want them? I don't have to be open to your advances just because they're coming from a good place.

So guys, stop with this. We know what you're trying to do. Don't try to play dumb like, "Ohh loopty-doo fiddlesticks! How did my hand end up three inches from your ass?!" Because you put it there, jerk. This isn't an accidental boob graze; it's a deliberate move to get my attention. Or, you're just being a thoughtless jerk without any regard for your actions and how they might be offensive to people around you.


When someone does this to me, it completely eliminates any chance that I'm going to talk to him. In other words, guys, this shit doesn't work. I can tell you right now that you'll have better luck attracting the attention of a woman if you don't pull this lower back faux-slick bullshit move. Hands to yourself. Use your words. Trust me on this one.

This post originally appeared on #sasstag. Republished with permission. Follow Kara Brown on Twitter: @KaraRBrown.


Image via trendywest/Shutterstock.



Whatever. This chick just totally annoyed me. Not every guy who is trying to move past you in a crowded venue is trying to hobnob with your cooter. It's just common courtesy that instead of shoving past someone and seeming rude, you might place a calm hand on a woman's shoulder, or somewhere safe on her person. This is universal signal for: excuse me as I make my way past you as it's crowded in here. Like, not every upright animal with an Adam's apple trying to get from the bar to the restroom is trying to play touch football with your lady parts. Get over yourself.