Heterosexual Awareness Month Idiots Claim They're the 'Official Sponsors' of Valentine's Day

Well, first. July is Heterosexual Awareness Month (HAM). What, you didn’t know? Maybe that’s because every other month is heterosexual awareness month, too? Or maybe it’s because it’s a fake fake holiday? Or maybe it’s because what the fucking fuck are these fucking idiots talking about!?

No matter! The HAM Brain Trust recently made-up the made-up Heterosexual Awareness Month, and now they’re seeking to claim ownership of Valentine’s Day. #lolololololol.

They posted to Facebook:

HAM is pleased to announce that we are now the official sponsor of one of the most celebrated days of Hetero Love!

Don’t these fuckers know St. Valentine was executed for performing controversial marriages? Homeboy defied Emperor Claudius II to marry couples in secret, even though the Emperor wanted all the young men for his army. When the Emperor found out, Valentine was executed. I know, so romantic.

I think a man who was so dedicated to celebrating love that he lost his life would probably be pretty alright with same-sex marriage. And hey, there are plenty of Priests, Pastors, and Reverends who are performing/supporting gay marriage today because they know it’s the right thing to do. While that’s certainly not true of all of them, and certainly not the more vocal/crazy/Vatican-y ones, I think it’s true of the ones who understand love. And I believe St. Valentine was like that, too. Hell, I think we should make him a float for the next Gay Pride Parade, that way he can be an icon for all love, and get to be in a hella fun parade, too. Then, we can spread the love by posting all the pictures to HAM’s Facebook page. The possibilities are endless!