Here's That Chris Brown App You Certainly Never Asked For

Chris Brown fans: Rejoice! Everyone else: Cry. The creatively named Chris Brown Channel (should have gone with Christagram or Christerest) brings you into the intimate, uncensored, and artistic world of Chris all day, every fucking day. I tried it so that you would not have to receive push notifications or seizures.

If you have always dreamed of carrying Chris Brown in your pocket, but are completely clueless about the existence of Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, this app is for you! Chris Brown — girlfriend-beater, neighborhood pest, Drake-nemesis, and downright batshit crazy person with swanky dance moves — partnered with Entrago to build a mobile app where he can post photos, videos, and updates, and communicate with fans. These poor souls get exactly what they want: A curated, sugar-coated version of Chris’s superfun life.

The app has a corresponding website (the same exact thing that you’ll see on a phone) so you can access these intimate photos and videos on a larger screen, then jerk off or vomit, depending on what team you’re on.

Some features:

• This intro video that demonstrates that Chris lives an active life. Woo, whatever.
• Important updates such as: “on way to rehearsals!”
• There’s trivia involved. A minion/intern puts together videos with trivia questions. One invites us to guess which British actor costarred with Chris in Takers (it’s Idris Elba!! Will Chris chat me now and tell me he’d like to show me his world/aka his dick?)
• The app uses Twitter lingo, with hashtags and Chris frequently @-ing his fans. However, they’re unclickable, static. What’s the point?!?!?!! Am I missing something? Am I the one who is not up to date on how social media platforms work?
• Whoever manages this app has not realized that the posts take “stars” not “likes.”
• I feel like the Chris Brown Channel app would be more tolerable if I did not have a smartphone or a laptop.
• Chris Brown is like, super good at doing flips. Scary good.

What exactly is the end goal of this app? No idea. Perhaps he just wants to remind us all that he is, first and foremost, a hard-working performer. Maybe he wants to give back to his extremely loyal throng of fans. Or maybe he needs thousands positive affirmations from strangers.

Note: There are only five-star reviews for this app on iTunes… except for one one-star review, from a fan who did not understand that the app’s homepage is kind of the only page.