Here's Every Single Penis in the American Museum of Natural History

Illustration for article titled Heres Every Single Penis in the American Museum of Natural History

Have you been to the American Museum of Natural History lately? Like, as a grownup? It'll make you feel like a kid again, if only because all the nudity will lower your maturity level significantly. Seriously, the place puts more dick in your face than a glory hole on Christopher Street. It really seems to emphasize the "natural" over the "history." Here, we collect every single penis exhibited in the entire museum. You're welcome.

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Illustration for article titled Heres Every Single Penis in the American Museum of Natural History

I'd just like to point out that anytime there was a diorama featuring naked people—like this guy from the Hall of South American Peoples—I had to wait my turn behind a line of giggling people aiming their cellphone cameras at the crotches before I could get my own picture.

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Illustration for article titled Heres Every Single Penis in the American Museum of Natural History

Walking into the infamous Hall of African Mammals, which is close to the main entrance, one is greeted by a giant (albeit flaccid) elephant penis.

Illustration for article titled Heres Every Single Penis in the American Museum of Natural History

I don't know what the fuck this is. I forgot to pretend to be interested in the descriptions of the exhibits. It looks like it would be a nice birdbath, though. The penis would make a really nice perch. Right?

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Illustration for article titled Heres Every Single Penis in the American Museum of Natural History

You know, whether its Pacific Peoples or African Peoples or Northwest Coast Indians, one thing that all of humanity has in common since the dawn of time is building anatomically detailed statues.

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Illustration for article titled Heres Every Single Penis in the American Museum of Natural History

The one in the middle is practically a Leigh Bowery costume.

Illustration for article titled Heres Every Single Penis in the American Museum of Natural History
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Primate peen.

Illustration for article titled Heres Every Single Penis in the American Museum of Natural History
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The Hall of Human Origins not only had the highest number of penises, but also the most realistic depictions of them. For example, I really believe that this guy would have a wrinkled scrote.

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Unsurprisingly, all the dicks were uncut in museum. (Apparently Jewish people aren't part of natural history?) But there were a few Darth Vader helmets, so I'm assuming that they're are boners.

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More animal dicks.

Illustration for article titled Heres Every Single Penis in the American Museum of Natural History
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The guy on the left tucks his penis into his waistband, just like the modern man who pops a boner in public.

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Apparently, micropenis was always a thing.

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The Hall of Human Origins is kind of NSFW.

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Are you sick of penis statues yet?

Illustration for article titled Heres Every Single Penis in the American Museum of Natural History
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No? Well, here's some more.

Illustration for article titled Heres Every Single Penis in the American Museum of Natural History
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This setup had the most dicks per diorama. While there are only three visible, you know that cow's head is hiding a package.

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DISCUSSION

dodai
Dodai Stewart

Here's the thing, and I've said this before (re: Magic Mike). We just don't see enough random peen. Watch a bunch of movies and cable shows and you see breasts ALL THE TIME, but phalluses still seem novel and taboo because they're never shown. In conclusion, rock out with your cock out. Thank you.