Last week, we asked you to share the story of the most inadvertently humorous thing your mom-figures had ever said, and boy did you ever deliver. From an impossibly entertaining comment thread came a veritable treasure trove of gems, and here are a few of the shiniest ones for your Mother's Day enjoyment.
Moments of technological confusion seemed to be a common source of hilarity, particular moms being flummoxed by cell phones. One of the most entertaining of the communication meltdowns came from wilaaw:
My mom's all time greatest hit happened back in the early days of cell phones. She had just got her first one and wasn't used to the ring tone or the fact that it was small enough to get lost in her purse.. (mind you she was also notorious for dropping her pager in the toilet... and then flushing. Stories for another day)
Anyhoo, this particular time, my whole family is around the kitchen table eating, chatting, drinking etc and her phone rings from inside her massive, tote sized purse. She panics while sifting through the various pockets, junk etc. , frantically trying to find her phone while it continues to ring. Eventually she gives up and lifts the entire bag to the side of her face and starts screaming "HELLLO!??!? ARE YOU THERE!???! HELLOOO!??!?! I CANT HEAR YOU!!!!!!" ...
To this day at my house, over a decade later, any time a phone rings, my siblings and I immediately pick up the nearest inanimate object and start yelling "HELLO!?? ARE YOU THERE?!?! ITS ME KAREN I CANT HEAR YOU!!!".
Another tale of tragic technofail involves MadameDeFarge's mother, and the mafia,
Right after Hurricane Katrina, almost my entire family (my two parents, four of my five siblings, my 3-year old niece, and our dog) lived for a while in an 800 square foot, 2 bedroom "house" in the suburbs of New Orleans. My recently-divorced older sister sang opera at an Italian restaurant downtown 6 nights a week, which meant she was usually walking to her car alone in the wee hours of the morning. Typically, I or one of my siblings would be up and she'd call one of our cell phones to talk as she walked, so she'd feel safer. One memorable evening, my 17 year old self had sketched into the house, high as hell, at 4 in the morning— and gotten caught eating pulled pork out of a ziploc bag with my fingers. While my mother whispered one of her defeated-sounding, reproachful guilt trips at me, my older brother's phone began to vibrate from the sofa bed where he slept (an area we called his "nest", as he never did laundry and had no furniture in which to not store his dirty clothes).
My mom, who, then as now, was completely bewildered around cell phones, asked, "What's that noise?"
"It's Andy's phone," I said.
That day, unbeknownst to my mother, my brother had changed his ring tone to a clip from The Godfather, in which Marlon Brando sweatily yells "You can act like a man! *slaps wimpy dude* Whatsamattawitchu!?" He also, for work, had set his phone to vibrate for a few seconds before it started to ring. Not knowing this, I walked over to the still-vibrating phone, picked it up, and handed it to my mother.
"Here," I said, "It's Ruth. She's probably walking to her car."
My mother took the phone and was in the process of putting it to her ear when "YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN! *SLAP NOISE* WHATSAMMATTAWITCHU!?" began to issue from the phone's business end. Very loudly.
After a split second of staring silently at the phone in complete, abject horror (which I will forever see in hilarious slow-motion), my mother fell to her knees, holding the phone straight out in front of her, and screamed 'RUTH!? RUUUUTH!? RUTH ARE YOU ALRIGHT!? OH MY GOD— RUTH, RUTH!!" My brother jumped up from his sofa bed and, panicked, started yelling at no one. My father and the dog came out from the bedroom and looked at us.
I took the phone from her, pressed the "talk" button, and handed it back to her while she sobbed and hyperventilated. Then I laughed for 2 hours. Since then, I haven't missed telling this story at every family gathering. It's still funny.
Semantics' mother had a less panic-inducing problem with mobile phones,
The first and most hilarious text message I ever received from my mother said "howdoispace".
The brilliant LaComtesse has a mother who blamed her for health problems,
My mom was having hardcore uterine issues. Periods that lasted months. Crazy anemia as a result, etc. So she finally went to a doctor who told her, among other things, that her uterus was much bigger than average. Her immediate response?
"It must have been LaComtesse's eyebrows. Those things are huge—she was first so they probably stretched it out."
And ahleeeshah's mother had a questionable method for getting rid of garden pests,
She told me for weeks about a rabbit that was in her garden, which she obsesses over. She couldn't figure out how to get rid of it. Finally one day she tells me that she's been leaving out carrots for the rabbit. The exchange went like this:
Me: You're trying to get rid of it, so you give it carrots?
Mom: I thought maybe if it got what it wanted it would go away!
Me: "Get out of my lawn, rabbit! I hate you! Have this delicious carrot!"
Mom: Shut up
A tale of furniture anxiety in the face of war from Ruby_de_la_booby:
My parents were newly married and living in Andrews, South Carolina, both with new teaching jobs. Dad had been drafted in the Vietnam War a few year before, and he had used student deferments to stay home. But after graduation his number was up. He had gone for his physical and had orders to report to Fort Jackson. Dad said he was really scared to go, plus he hated the war itself. He'd grown up on a tobacco farm and was the first of 6 kids to go to college, and he was really worried he wouldn't be around for my mom and for his parents.
A few weeks before he is set to go, they change the laws and are no longer taking anyone over the age of 26. (Dad was 26...whew!)
So we all put down our cards and ask Mom, "Were you so scared? The thought of Dad going off to war?"
Without hesitation, Mom said, "Yes, I was very worried. I was going to have to get a roommate, and who wants a roommate? Sometimes they bring furniture you don't like."
And everyone loves a good Mom Does Pot story like horsenpony's,
My mother was separated from my father. My Great Aunt and two Aunts drove from Ohio to visit her. Have a ladies night. My cousin left a few joints in the glove box of my aunt's car. I stepped out for the evening and my aunts and mother proceeded to smoke said joints. Around 1am I get a phone call "Amanda! Is Dunkin Donuts open?? Can you ::gigglegiggle bring us some". In the middle of the small party I was at I asked her "Are you high". Her response "YES. And I love it". Sadly Dunkin Donuts was not open whilst on my way home.
When I got home one aunt had passed out on the couch, one in the recliner, one in my parents bedroom and my mother in my bed. Empty chip bags and wine coolers all over the place. The next morning, I discovered they had taken a sharpie marker to a family photo of them. They drew beards on it and profanities. They drew a little sperm to represent my uncle hadn't been born yet when the photo was taken.
The mother of ocho97 had a checkered past,
One of the best/funniest conversations I've had with my mom was about how she used to know the members of The Band when she lived in Woodstock in the late 60s/early 70s.
Me - So mom how'd you meet the guys?
Mom - well..my friend was their drug dealer. He pretty much knew everyone in town.
Me (shocked) - mom, you were friends with a drug dealer?
Mom - Yeah he was kind of gross, I can't believe I went out with him.
Me (clutching pearls) - Mom you DATED a drug dealer?
Mom (nonchalantly) - yeah well, everyone had a drug dealer boyfriend in the 60s.
And of course, there are the uncomfortable intergenerational sex talks and tips. This one from laurelc9:
My boyfriend's 70-year old mother, at the dinner table, out of the blue stated "Dr. Oz says I should still be having sex." - somewhat accusatorily, as if we should be doing something about it. Unfortunately, her husband had been dead for about 10 years.
A bizarre sexual warning from brightpeonies' mom,
My mother said to my younger sister "When you have sex with someone, part of your soul goes into them." Creepy.
Madaloon's mom fears the health effects of heels that are too high,
My sister and I were 10 and 11 shopping for shoes for our Easter outfits. We lived in a small town and had made the trip to the city just for the occasion. My sister found the shoes she loved. They had what was maybe a 1" heel and looked like more grown-up shoes.
She asked our mom if she could get the shoes. My mom got this panic in her voice and said loudly enough for everyone in the vicinity to hear, "You'll get pregnant!"
The mother of olivesundae doesn't quite understand slang,
My mum relentlessly misuses the phrase 'whack off' to mean steal. I've repeatedly told her that "One of the neighbours whacked off with our hose!" doesn't mean what she thinks it means, but I can't bring myself to tell her what it actually does mean. So she'll shrug off my correction, thinking I'm just being a linguistic stick-in-the-mud who's trying to quash her use of whimsical slang, and then two weeks later, it's "Someone whacked off with my lunch at work today!"
Moosy's mother imparted a harsh lesson about the tackiness of racial bigotry on her toddler sister,
She said this to my sister who is 10 years younger than me. She was 3 at the time.
We were watching the winter olympics (this was like 20 years ago) and there was that African ice skater, if you recall, who was adopted by a French couple - she was competing for France. She looked sooo different than all the other skaters - wispy little Asian and Ukranian types. My sister casually says, "I don't like black people." My mother comes storming out of the kitchen and screams, "You bigot!" My sister got scared and started crying.
Then, of course, there are the mom-lessons that aren't really so much lessons as unconnected, inscrutable statements. From rachelnblue,
My mother gives tours of our house of worship, often to those of other faiths. On an especially rainy day, she commented to me, matter-of-factly-out-of-the-blue, "Jewish people have nice umbrellas. They are like always-be-prepared scouts. Their God send them into the wilderness. They are ready"
And, finally, Zombiestache's mom has an important question about hipsters: