Here are Those Republican Candidate Action Figures No One Asked For

Illustration for article titled Here are Those Republican Candidate Action Figures No One Asked For

Now that a toy manufacturer has unleashed upon the world action figure versions of the Republican Presidential candidates, gay, politically aware little boys with conservative parents who won't let them play with Barbies can finally stage the Action Figure Rick Santorum/Action Figure Newt Gingrich Makeout Party of their glittery little dreams.


The dolls, which will be immediately married to each other by ironic liberal kitsch collectors who will post photos of the doll ceremonies on the internet, are being manufactured by a company called Hero Builders. Available models include current frontrunners Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, or Newt Gingrich, but there's also a Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Herman Cain model.

But that's not all! You can also buy versions of the dolls that talk! Action Santorum recites his now-famous quote about President Obama's phony theology, Talking Action Rick Perry recites his famous debate gaffe wherein he forgot about the third agency he'd eliminate as President.

And they wouldn't be action figures if they weren't capable of mimicking the actions that the candidates most engage in. Rick Santorum, a career attorney comes with realistic sitting action and can easily stand behind a podium to give a concession speech after losing his Senate seat by 18 points. Newt Gingrich's action figure comes with realistic wife abandonment action. Action Rick Perry will literally murder all of your other dolls, whether they're guilty or not. Mitt Romney can wear a suit and look rich and confident but somehow also on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown. Michele Bachmann oozes with confusingly vitriolic hatred for gay people (do not try to sit her next to Earring Fun Ken, if you've got one lying around). And Herman Cain can easily be purchased with money from the Koch brothers.

The dolls range in cost from $39.95 to $69.95. Worth it?

Now available: Gingrich, Romney, Santorum action figure dolls [Detroit Free Press]


therealquash ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ

I have a small Obama action figure from 2008. So yeah, I totally want a Newt doll. I see small plastic figurine fight-to-the-death-in-my-living-room matches in my future. I just need a sponsorship ($40 to $70, really??). I'm not taking bets because, let's be honest, we all know who's gonna win this one.