Health Alert: Don't Drink Water or Eat Food or You'll Die

Illustration for article titled Health Alert: Don't Drink Water or Eat Food or You'll Die

Oh, food. So delicious and necessary-for-not-dying, and yet soooooooooo constantly full of poisonous poop. Food recalls are probably my favorite type of horrifying national emergency, because they're so mysterious and close to home. Like, I eat food (much to the displeasure of the "Manosphere")!!! I totally eat it all the time! Could I be next? It's like the diarrhea Powerball! It's like being in a slow-motion action movie—exciting!—except for the part when the contaminated food can cause "miscarriages, stillbirths and fatal infections." Hhhhhhhhhh. Not that cute.

Anyway, this week's big food recall alert happens to involve a food that I have totally definitely bought and eaten more than once (like 5 years ago, so I think I'm in the clear unless listeria is doing a long-con on my gut health)—Trader Joe's Butter Chicken with Basmati Rice:

Trader Joe's is facing yet another recall, this time affecting nearly 5,000 pounds of its store brand Butter Chicken with Basmati Rice, which may be contaminated with listeria bacteria.

...Signs of listeria were detected during routine testing, according to the Canadian Food Inspection Agency this weekend. The bacteria can cause fever, headaches, neck stiffness and muscle aches. It has also been known to lead to miscarriages, stillbirths and fatal infections.

The more than 100 affected Trader Joe's stores are in Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina and Virginia.


Gross. Ugh. Okay. So, JUST TO BE SAFE, food is entirely out. Check. I guess I'll stick to a liquid diet of ice cold refreshing wa—


As food allergies become increasingly common, a new study offers the first proof that they may be linked to pesticides found in tap water.

Researchers at the American College of Allergy, Asthma and Immunology used existing government data to see whether people with more dichlorophenols in their urine were more likely to have food allergies. Dichlorophenols are a kind of chlorine in certain pesticides that are known to kill bacteria, and in theory, they could be killing the naturally occurring bacteria in humans' digestive systems, causing food allergies.

FINE. FOOD AND WATER ARE OUT. Although, I guess if I'm not eating food anymore, it doesn't matter if my toxic chemical water is giving me food allergies, does it? Conundrum! Also, to add insult to injury, I just conducted my OWN scientific study, and found that never eating food or drinking water are strongly correlated with being dead. So I guess if I'm going to wind up being dead no matter what, I'll just keep doing whatever. Poop chicken with DDT sauce for everyone!

(JK, you guys. Obv. But follow-up question: Can you put butter chicken through a Brita? Asking for a friend.)


Photo credit: monkey_business / Stockfresh.

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Hahahaha that butter chicken through a Brita comment has me TICKLED.

On a serious note, does this mean I should actually get a Brita filter? I've always sort of considered them a bourgeausie* paranoid indulgence but this shit is weird.

*That word is so fucking annoying to spell. I just go with a random amalgam of vowels.