Happy Anniversary To Jezebel And My Senile Brain (Astrology And Tony Toni Tone After The Jump)

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Do you know what today is? Yeah, well for some reason I Googled "March 21" instead of "May 21" and then wrote a post about how it was Kevin Federline's birthday and the 28th anniversary of the "Who Shot J.R." episode of Dallas. See, the "Who Shot J.R." episode of Dallas was watched, simultaneously, by 83 million Americans, more Americans than had voted in any of the prior six presidential elections, but maybe it was a sign of civic involvement to come, because more than 86 million people voted in the 1980 election, and we'd like to think we are living in similarly "transformative" times. "Who Shot J.R.?" represented a peak in the mass-ness of American mass culture that will never again be reached. No American fictional character, not even Carrie Bradshaw, will ever again seize the depleted imaginations of so many Americans; we have too many options now, too many variations on the ephemera and too many…well, too many fucking blogs. Anyway I say this because I was pretty sure, when Jezebel was born a year ago today, that it was going to fail. First of all, what's up with that name? I'm still not quite used to saying, "I work for, uh, this site called…Jezebel?" So anyway, I was wrong. About the date, and so much else. You're all here! And you know how success breeds superstition? Anna decided to get Jezebel's astrological chart read. Without further ado:

Section 1: How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others

The following is a description of your basic stance towards life, the

way others see you, the way you come across, the face you show to the world.

In Chapter 3 you will read about the "The Inner You: Your Real Motivation",

which describes the kind of person you are at heart and where your true

priorities lie. Read this chapter and the next one and compare them - there

may be significant differences between them, in which case "the inner you"

may not shine through and others are in for some surprises when they get to

know you at a more than superficial level. This chapter describes the

costume you wear, your role in life, while Chapter 3 talks about the real

person inside the costume.

Leo Rising:

Ferociously proud and somewhat vain, you like to be impressive and to be

seen as Somebody Special. You are not timid, meek, or self-effacing, and are

rarely content being in the background or in the subordinate position. You

are a natural leader, and do not take orders from others very well. You must

have something of your own, something creative - be it a business, a

project, a home or whatever - that you can develop and manage according to

your own will and vision. Whatever you do, you do it in a unique, dramatic,

individual way. You like to put your own personal stamp on it.

You also have a very strong sense of dignity, self-respect, and personal

honor and are deeply offended if someone treats you in a humiliating or

dishonorable way. You will rarely confront the offender - you are too proud to do so - but you will lose your affection and respect for them. You dislike pettiness and hate to be snubbed or ignored.

You admire others who are strong individuals like yourself. When you befriend someone, you are tremendously loyal, sincere, and willing to go to extraordinary lengths to make that person happy. You are very giving and generous, but your gifts are never anonymous - you expect recognition and appreciation for them. You also expect the intense loyalty that you offer to your dear ones to be reciprocated. However, you often have trouble working with people who are as strong as yourself, for you do not really cooperate or share the leading role very easily. If you are not in the leading role, you aspire to be and will compete with the person who is.

You have great heart and courage, and people often look to you for strength, encouragement, and affirmation. You always have your best face forward and rarely allow others to see you hurting, disheartened, or vulnerable. You also have a very strong need for love, admiration, appreciation, and praise, although you don't like others to realize just how important it is to you.

Your outlook on life tends to be very personal and rather self-centered. Your own self-expression, self-actualization and self-realization interests you more than anything else. You feel that if you do your best where you are, the rest of the world will take care of itself.


This goes on for about 23,000 more words, but I'm going to stop and encourage you to watch this instead:

Earlier: What To Expect Of A One Year Old



This astrology shit is confusing the hell out of me.

So I'll just say happy birthday you crazy awesome bitches, and thank you for reminding me that a full life includes BOTH Gloria Steinem and Tyra Banks.