Halloween Was in Full Swing at America's Most Haunted House

Illustration for article titled Halloween Was in Full Swing at Americas Most Haunted House
Image: Olivier Douliery (Getty Images)

On a moderately cloudy and brisk night in a cursed land called Washington, DC, two evil specters opened the doors of their large haunted home to try and trap children to toss into their cauldron. Just kidding! Trump and Melania hosted Halloween at the White House, so it was actually much worse than any campfire ghost story you could fathom. This year’s trick-or-treating at the White House was slightly different than prior years, with the Trumps opting out of handing out candy directly to a crowd of young children as they were both infected with covid-19. Instead, the Monster in Chief and his bride held a bit of a Halloween parade, pointing and feigning joy at all of the children ambling by against their will.

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For the auspicious occasion, Melania sported a pumpkin spice jacket to blend in with the decor, perhaps reasoning that if she stood very still and sat down in a pumpkin patch her husband wouldn’t be able to find her for hours. The first lady also wore black Louboutins.

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Image: Olivier Douliery (Getty Images)
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Two children who were likely not allowed to choose their costumes this year were these little nuggets, who dressed up as Trump and Melania. While I see and appreciate the effort, these costumes lack any shred of authenticity as we all know neither adult wears a mask if there is a photo op to be had.

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Image: Olivier Douliery (Getty Images)

This kid, dressed as a hotdog, seemed to really freak Melania out. Is she a vegetarian now or something? Or did this walking, talking phallus remind her of someone she knows?

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The Trumps were much more excited to see this T-Rex walking across the South Lawn, as the visage of such a beast transported them back to the days when America was truly at its greatest.

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Image: Olivier Douliery (Getty Images)
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While the kids and their parents tried their best, there can only be one winner in this costume contest that no one was aware was taking place because I just made it up. As a result of a unanimous decision, this year’s best costume goes to the White House itself.

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Image: Olivier Douliery (Getty Images)
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Congratulations to the big house for dressing as a festive and cheerful location and successfully hiding the fact that it is a house of horrors filled with the most incompetent people to ever roam the earth freely.

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“The Trumps were much more excited to see this T-Rex walking across the South Lawn, as the visage of such a beast transported them back to the days when America was truly at its greatest.”

THIS is fucking hilarious. I laughed...and I ain’t even drunk yet. Nice.