Everything's bigger in Texas, including one Odessa man's generosity: He's looking to upgrade a homeless street waif if she agrees to play PS4 and take bubble baths with him. Also, she has to swallow. Swallowing, Eliza Doolitle 2k14, is non-negotioable.

The following ad was sent in to us by a tipster who isn't convinced of its veracity, but considering how many people post for weird shit on craigslist — did you see the documentary where a guy built a multifunctional sex/murder dungeon out of repurposed wood in his basement? — is it really such a stretch to imagine that anonymity and possibly a couple of beers would give someone the courage to post exactly what they're looking for online?

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The ad, which is still up as of this moment, shows a fairly ordinary (and poorly decorated apartment) and features a list of requests that read like Jane and Michael looking for the perfect nanny. Well, if Jane and Michael were looking for the perfect nanny to sexually abuse and call it altruism.

I work in the oilfield (mid 20's) and have no time to date so I'm looking for a homeless girl that wants a place to stay . You do not need to work just cook clean and bedroom fun. I want someone I can chill with watch movies with and play PS4 with and gamer girls are a plus. You go from the streets to a big comfortable bed , hot bubble baths , and good food and a person to cuddle with on the couch. I want a girl to take to movies walks in the park , and to share hot coco with when the winter comes. You must be drug free and willing to stay that way. I have a high sex drive and love to cuddle. If this sounds like something you would be willing to try please send a couple pics to prove you are real and put the word "Home" in the title. You must swallow. I am real and it has been a little rainy lately, in fact it's raining right now and all weekend!! Any RACE is fine under 25 preferred. Any older than that and you'll come with an attitude and blame me for your situation.....!! Hope to hear from you soon. Thanks

Pros:

  • Bubble baths
  • Not being on the streets no more, especially since it is the rainy season.
  • Not needing to work except cooking and cleaning,which isn't really work but something all girls should be doing anyway, you know?
  • A gamer roommate with a PS4, which has much better graphics than the PS3. I know, because my friend brought hers over this weekend and the cutscenes blew my fucking mind.
  • A big comfortable bed. Size not specified, but it's probably at least a full, right? It's gotta be.
  • This:
  • And this: (look! Name brand chips!)
  • And this:
  • And all of this:

Is that a fucking fan above that knockoff Laura Ashley bedspread? SIGN ME RIGHT THE FUCK UP!

Cons:

  • 98% guaranteed sexual assault.

Seems like a small price to pay, really. Did you see those fucking bowls and that big screen TV for the PS4 and cuddle sessions?

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I ran the photos through a reverse image search and couldn't find any exact matches (unfortunate because that bedspread) which could suggest — if Catfish is right and reverse image search is the only thing you need to be a detective that this is the apartment of an actual dude who wants to meet a woman down on her luck, and that really bums me out. Not just because it's gross and pathetic, but because it reinforces this horrifying notion that those who are less fortunate are a) garbage and will therefore do anything to be inside and b) that it's okay to use the promise of shelter to manipulate people into having sex with you. Oh, and c) that a relationship in which one person has all the power is an acceptable arrangement that will allow for true love to blossom.

And if this guy doesn't work out for you, ladies, there's another, slightly older version of him looking in the same town:

I'm looking to find a homeless girl that wants an arranged relationship, for mutual benefit . Share my home and pose as my stay home girlfriend to the outside world. You will be treated as a loving girl friend that stays home and is well taken care of you will be expected to do light house work , and shopping, be taken on dates , picnics, long walks ,cuddling under blankets with hot coco on cold snowy days, look after pets and keep the home while I'm at work , long hot bubble baths, and watching TV on big cumffy coutch. All the wonderful things girlfriends do...!! Wardrobe will be supplied and hair and nails will be done regularly. Its a hard lonely world and I tired of talking to the cat board out of my mind, I work long hours and have no time to date. I need a homeless girl to fill the gap. You get a warm loving home , good food , and pampered like a queen , and I get companionship and a cuddle buddy to spoil ...!!!! I'm white, 37, average body size, 260 pounds 5'10" tall, funny , average good guy. So if you think you can handle the living arrangements or know someone that might hit me up. Any age and race . Must send pics of body and face and a little about you and I will get back to you with my pic and # so we can talk. Thanks

Images via Craigstlist