Great News: Cannibalism Won't Necessarily Make You Fat

Tempted to cook up a big slab of human thigh meat, but worried about your waistline? Well, great news: As long as you’re responsible with your portions, cannibalism will not make you fat.

Also, get help immediately.

That’s according to Popular Science (maybe keep an eye on the fridge if you work at PopSci?), who consulted the University of Brighton’s James Cole, who studies human origins. He’s drawn up an entire nutritional chart for people parts:

Cole determined that a human arm would supply about 1,800 calories, for example, while each leg would yield 7,150 calories. The lungs, liver, and alimentary canal each provide roughly 1,500 calories, while the brain, spinal cord, and nerve trunks together account for 2,700. And what lurks in the hearts of men? Seven hundred twenty-two calories, Cole says.

Cole calculated all this because there’s a big debate whether early hominins who engaged in cannibalism did so for ritual or nutritional purposes. He’s hoping that knowing which parts where the most caloric might shed some light. OR SO HE SAYS.

All told, a human body contains something like 81,500 calories, much of it adipose tissue, so we’re definitely talking junk food, here. Which just figures.