GOP Candidates Vow to Force Pregnant Women to Have Babies

The campaign in South Carolina is heating up, says everyone. That's apparently code for "the candidates are gathered in the roughly same geographic area, and they're emitting high pitched shrieks at each other." Yesterday, they were shrieking about Bain Capital. Today, they're still hollering about Bain, but they're also yelling about fetuses— specifically, which Republican Presidential hopeful deserves the title of Fetus's #1 fan. Let the anti-abortion rights pissing contest begin.

By now, we know that Newt Gingrich is all about choice— mistresses mirrored bedroom cancer divorce amirite?— except when it comes to women making decisions about whether or not they'd like to be pregnant. As we mentioned, his SuperPAC is airing an ad targeting Mitt Romney that essentially say that Mitt's a babypuncher more threatening to the fate of the American fetus than living next door to the unregulated nuclear power plant of Ron Paul's dreams.


And speaking of kooky Uncle Paul, the libertarian heartthrob who believes that everyone except pregnant ladies should be able to do whatever they want at all times, is taking a few days off from campaigning, presumably to pan for gold. But his campaign has released an ad attacking Rick Santorum as a corrupt politician like Newt Gingrich.

Rick Santorum, not to be left out, is airing an ad featuring the frothy mix of tea party and evil sitting amongst his seven children, informing the people of South Carolina that he is the best equipped to defeat Barack Obama in the general election. This is presumably because he plans on using his army of children as human shields against any DNC attacks. For added assurance that he is rubber and everyone else is glue, he told a recent crowd of supporters in Greenville that they should pray for him, because he needs that extra "hedge of protection" against attack ads. Does this mean that God's going to have to abandon his normal post inside Tim Tebow's jockstrap in favor of turning Himself into a magical hedge that surrounds Rick Santorum? Guess we'll have to wait until this weekend to find out!

Poor adorable Jon Huntsman kept soldiering along, hopeful that his lack of whackadoodlery would resonate with South Carolinians, which it likely won't.

Mitt Romney, meanwhile, stood awkwardly at a motorcycle dealership telling anyone that would listen that he's super fucking pro-life. So fucking pro-life that he could make Margaret Sanger spin in her grave so fast that she would create her own electrical current, which we could then pipe directly to the Texas execution chamber. You're welcome, Rick Perry.


Rick Perry got a littlegold sticker on his pro-life resume as Texas's controversial law requiring pregnant women seeking abortions to listen to the fetal heartbeat and hear the description of an ultrasound is going into effect despite court challenges. Yippie kai yai yovaries!

Where can we go from here? These candidates are only a mile into this marathon, and they're running it like a 5K. Is this going to be the first election in recent memory where the candidates burn each other in effigy and issue challenges to gentlemen's duels at dawn? We've still got almost 10 more months of this, you guys!

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I can't deal with at least a year of this. I really can't. I am just stressed and anxious and bitchy and attacking people. I do not understand how people can be so ignorant and have absolutely no empathy. I just want to cut off the coasts and say "take the middle of the country, it is yours, restrict each others rights all you want".