God Save The Beauty Queen: Live Blogging Miss America 2008

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Did you know that the Miss America pageant this year was advertised as the finale to the TLC reality show Miss America Reality Check, rather than as the iconic, needless pageant? Me neither until tonight. I would protest and burn my bra, but I don't wear one when I blog. Is anyone else home on Saturday night watching this thing? Anyway, let's get it started.


8:03 I watched about 3 minutes of that Miss America Reality Check show, but it was about as confusing to me as why children in American classrooms don't have maps so I gave up on it. I'm going into this thing completely unbiased.

8:04 UGH! Miss One of the Dakotas and that accent!

8:07 So I guess that they're wearing jeans as part of modern make over the pageant was given. DO NOT WANT. To quote Robin Browne, "I like the trash and flash." Gimme gimme more sequins, please

8:08: Miss Wisconsin: "The state where cheese is not only a diary product, it is also a fashion accessory." It also works its way into on-stage introductions, evidently.

8:11 Ooh! I like this sort of walk/dance thing they're doing. Is there going to be a big choreographed number? I hope! Please! Also, I'd appreciate it if someone fell or something.

8:12 Oh shit! Mark Steines is married to a former Miss America? How fitting, considering he's pretty much the human equivalent of Guy Smiley.

Image for article titled God Save The Beauty Queen: Live Blogging Miss America 2008

8:14 OK, now that it's a commercial, let's have a little history lesson. I know I mentioned bra burning before, but no one at the infamous 1968 Miss America protest in Atlantic City burned their bras. It was actually a rumor spread by a Ms. editor. Some of the women did take off their bras and throw them out though. Liberation starts with your boobs.

8:17 Ha! Justin Timberlake's friend and sometime personal assistant is who they got to judge this thing?


8:22 I am so sick of girls in pageants (or reality show competitions) talking about how Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are bad role models, and how they think girls need to have a good role model to look up to. Did anyone ever think that Paris and LiLo were good role models? And if they did, then they sure as hell won't want to look up to the likes of any of the Miss America contestants, seeing as how those women not only wear underpants, but also glue it to their ass cheeks so they don't get wedgies.

8:26 So apparently the general public was able to vote one of the semi-finalists in, which turns out to be Miss Utah. You know that if she wins, I'm going to have to refer to her as Miss American Idol.


8:28 OK, so let's get a "fierce" count started. That's 1 so far. Oh, well I like that he just gave them some carbs. That's kind of cute. I'm hungry.

8:30 God damn it, is anyone else not liking this whole "let's wear jeans" thing? If I don't see sequins and lace and Swarovski crystals soon, I'll be really pissed the fuck off.


8:31 I'm bored. I am going to get stoned. Right. Now.

8:33 The swimsuit competition is meant to emphasize the importance of fitness and health? I thought it was supposed to emphasize the importance of tits and ass.


8:35 I thought they did away with wearing high heels during the swimsuit competition a few years ago. Am I wrong? I mean, it's totally fitting, considering they're in Vegas. Heels and a bikini totally seem like Vegas style. Being barefoot is totally an Atlantic City thing.

8:38 Miss South Carolina has a bangin' bod. How many of these girls do you think have implants? I would say at least half of the 16 semi-finalists. I really, really don't like this Top Model rip off runway walk thing.


8:41 Ooh, Miss Florida just gave a lil' something extra there. It was like she rubber necked with her whole body.

8:42 Miss Utah is in a one piece? What does she have to hide?! OMG, that little dance at the end was kinda awesome.


8:43 I've never watched What Not to Wear, but I like that this guy just dissed the whole audience for having bad style. It's funny 'cause it's true.

8:51 What the shit is this fuck? I hate these boring black dresses!

8:52 Oh, I'm sad to see Miss Utah go. I liked that little push-up stunt.

8:55 I prefer the dresses in the old footage they're showing like 50 million times better.


8:57 OMG, Paige Page is back on Trading Spaces? I'm gonna watch.

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9:01 In other news, my friend Rich left this lighter at my house. I love it. I'm using it right now. You can't tell from that photo, but she has crispy hair.

9:03: Yay! Shiny dresses!!!!

9:04 Miss Michigan's dress looks like a cross between an ice skater and a stripper. It's perfect.


9:07 As Mando323 noted, this is not campy enough. For real.

9:13 This chick singing "Over the Rainbow" sucks.

9:15 Hahahahahahahaahaha. I like this opera girl.

9:22 I really like that there was a baton twirler. That was Suzanne Sugarbaker's talent.


9:37 They're eliminating the girls in a really weird way. Also, I'm sick of singers for talent. I want a magician or something.

9:29 I never knew there was such a thing as "jazz on point." It kinda reminds me of that movie Centerstage when they try to make ballet cool and dance to a Jamiroquai song. God, I love that movie. There was only one gay guy in the whole ballet school!


9:38 Nice little Planet Hollywood commercial the girls just did there.

9:43 What the eff is this new format where girls have to jump at the question in order to answer it? That makes it a little exciting. Maybe.


9:44 Miss Virginia just choked on that question about celebrities and religion.

9:45 Hahahaha. "This is the Paris Hilton question." I love that she is like a category of questions.


9:46 And Lindsay Lohan!!!!! Ha!

9:37 And a Jamie Lynn Spears question. Christ almighty!

9:56 I don't like that the finalists aren't wearing their state sashes because I can't remember who's who.


9:58 Miss Michigan, the girl with the perfect dress won. Pinning on her crown is taking way too long.

10:00 So that's it. No one fell. No one answered a question dreadfully incompetently. No one's boobs popped out. Boring.



I'm bitter. I watched that entire reality series, and they went with the girl most like OLD Miss America. I was totally going for Miss Indiana or Miss Washington FTW.

Boo-urns! BOO-URNS!!

Smithers, have the pageant judges killed.