God Damn, America…

Illustration for article titled God Damn, America…

Welcome to the Not Fucking Long Enough weekend, readers. If you don't feel as gross as these bacon cheese glazed donuts right now, just click the page. Today's discussion topics range from waterboarding to Karl Rove to Newt Gingrich and zoos to Fox News' ingenious subtle Photoshoppery of a New York Times reporter…somehow we trailed off today talking about Christie Brinkley's divorce trial. Like, who is worse, that ex-husband of hers, or her lawyer? Anyway, here's something fun, and if you're looking for extra credit read this followed by this and tell me you don't fucking love this fucking country. Megan and I await our three days of independence after the jump.


MOE: let me tell you something pathetic


MOE: I just went down to the deli, bought an iced coffee, forgot the iced coffee at the deli.

MEGAN: Oh, I do that mostly with leftovers at restaurants

MOE: I guess I should go get it.

MOE: What are you reading this morning?

MEGAN: What's crappy hour without caffeine?

MEGAN: Most about how McCain's hiring all of Rove's people

MOE: Oh yeah, honestly, why is he doing that? Reading this "massive campaign shakeup" thing I was thinking, Is it really time for this? What has McCain even done "wrong" so far? And they couldn't get rid of Charlie Black? Also, isn't Charlie Black a weird name? Like an obscure mendacious Peanuts character.

MEGAN: What he's apparently done wrong is not hired enough Rove people? I mean, when I saw the news yesterday about the shake up, I thought it was to get rid of Charlie but there's not a word about it, actually, it's just bringing on more people.

MOE: Wow tell me this isn't a little overly "synergistic"…Also there is totally a joke to be made re zookeeping and Republicans but it is the Thursday before a long weekend so…

MEGAN: And Newt Gingrich grew up in Harrisburg?

MEGAN: Also, I've been reading about how Fox Photoshopped the NY Times writers to make them look uglier.

MOE: Oh this thought did not go through: "Yeah but did you get the Bronx Zoo bugs crawling all over that as you tried to read it? And you know what they say about Pennsylvania being "Alabama in between."" It was pretty deep. I still haven't gone and gotten my coffee. Last night was rough.

MEGAN: If I lived in a 5th floor walk up, I wouldn't leave the house much. I mean, I already don't leave the house much, but still.

MOE: Holy shit that is insane re Fox News. Can the FCC just shut those fuckers DOWN? The other day they were insisting that birth control was an "abortificient." I was screaming at the TV and I have no emotions so it was something.

MEGAN: The FCC has no control over cable, but the liberals have this brilliant idea of bringing back the Fairness Doctrine, which would set an arm of the FCC to policing that right wing and left wing views have exactly equal amounts of television time, not that that's not scary and creepy depending on which party is in office but of COURSE the Democratic party will have power forever and ever so it won't be a problem.

MOE: Oh right the FCC can't police cable, duh. Which is kind of hilarious since cable penetration in this country is probably 80% of households. But the misinformation those guys consciously and constantly disseminate surprises and pisses off even me, on a daily basis! Also, the ads on the E&P website are funny. One's about how to deal with your yellow teeth. I wonder if they suggest Photoshop!

MEGAN: Anyway, so, like McCain is best buds with Sarkozy who is going to meet with Syria and Caroline Kennedy is more than window dressing, but I am having trouble caring about anything other than the Brinkley divorce trial in which it turns out that her soon-to-be-ex only banged his teenage mistress 10-12 times in the year he was having an affair with her, but he gave her, like, $300,000? Damn,

MOE: Whoa he gave her three hundred grand? I wrote something the other day in Dirt Bag about how I wasn't so much feeling the Brinkley divorce but then yesterday when he admitted he only hired that girl to do typesetting for his firm because he wanted to fuck her I was like, "Ooooh, oooh, we should probably do a post on how to tell if someone is hiring you for a "job" that is actually prostitution!" And then I promptly forgot natch. Dude, his lawyer is a dick though!


"For goodness sake: She's on her fourth husband," Sheresky told the court. "Your honor, we're here because of the self-indulgent wrath of a woman scorned."

MEGAN: Well, she's on her 4th husband because she sadly keeps marrying assholes and idiots, you idiot asshole.

MEGAN: Also, by the way, he reportedly stuck Billy Joel's daughter Alexis's face in a bucket because she took a long shower and something flooded.

MOE: No. fucking. way. I think Alexis is on the cover of Ocean Drive this month and I was going to buy it but…Ocean Drive is really heavy and…I just can't fucking believe this guy! And I wanted to talk about FARC and whether that laptop had anything to do with saving Betancourt and what she is going to say about Hugo Chavez now but…actually this is a really good story. And it's on the covers of the NY tabloids every day so that makes it sorta "news" right? Also it is the third of July motherfuckers!

MEGAN: That's right! Plus, um, can we have a little Bush/Rove conspiracy theory about the timing of his trip to Colombia and the freeing of the prisoners?

MOE: Wait only after you check out the culinary delicacy featured on the Weekly Standard blog I was looking at in hopes of finding some reaction to Hitch getting waterboarded, which I did not find, although I did find a review of a William Safire book by Chris Hitchens, who is still mad about Nixon…anyway.

MEGAN: Um, I really, really wish I hadn't seen that. I didn't mention earlier, but this Crappy Hour is coming to you live from my bathroom floor where I seem to be reliving last night's dinner in reverse in a most unfortunate way and I'm glad I puked after the last sentence I wrote before this because if I hadn't, I would've after seeing that picture. That said, Attackerman talked about Hitchens' waterboarding. He's not a fan of Hitchens, but he thought the video itself was important for people to see.

MOE: Well I was trying to look at right-wing blogger reactions to it you see because the right wing bloggers somehow don't talk about torture a whole lot. Also my coffee drink, which I went down and retrieved, is called "Big Black." Because Steve Albini won't fucking let it go that I wrongly referenced him in that Liz Phair post. Ugh.

MEGAN: I think the right-wing blogosphere is ignoring coverage of torture because, like actual torture, if they ignore it, they won't have to think about it seriously or try to defend the indefensible.

MEGAN: hey, if it's cool to be done, i'd really like to lie down for a while

MOE: go ahead babe. I was looking around for stuff to write about and um failing.



I am unimpressed with these donut/bacon burgers. They aren't even wrapped in a snickers and deep fried.