Now that we have all these people working for Jezebel who actually wake up on time to do their posts the end-of-day roundup of shit we didn't get to during the work day falls upon me. Think of it as a daily purge. I suggest you stay around at work waiting for it because you will be the most informed person at happy hour and that's a good way of making up for being the most drunk. So without further ado, good evening. The Dow, Nasdaq and S&P 500 are all starting to recover from the horrible blow that was the iPhone's merely preposterous and not universe-altering sales, and this and this were all I found looking for smutty ticker symbols to celebrate the twin blessings of a healthy market and National Orgasm week. Okay, so!

  • I woke up late.
  • Now I know how I will go about never waking up again. [Telegraph]
  • Some grooms apparently have vaginas. [Daily Mirror]
  • Which explains why post-partum depression is so very very tough on them. [ABC News]
  • Science may have found a way to solve Lindsay Lohan. Or maybe just all those coke-addicted mice out there. [Daily Mail]
  • A rule of thumb for tipping your sperm child: it should be at least as much as the spank bank paid you for the DNA. [NYT]
  • This is going to totally shock Lula Mae Broadway but I never saw any of Ingmar Bergman's films [Wash Post]
  • And I won't see anything until after I see the Simpsons movie everyone else saw while I was attending to my drinking problem. [WSJ]
  • Rudy Giuliani says the Dems want a "nanny government", and we'd take a Scarlett Johansson-Fran Drescher ticket over Cheney-Bush ANY DAY. [AP]
  • Renting: not just for third world uteruses anymore! [Breitbart]
  • "Jesus — at what tax rate are your brains forcibly removed?" LOL. [Wonkette]
  • Hillary Clinton writes almost like a Sarah Lawrence student.
  • Campral absolutely does not work. We're back on excess.

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