Go And See The Simpsons Movie Already, Guys!

Illustration for article titled Go And See The Simpsons Movie Already, Guys!

Now that we have all these people working for Jezebel who actually wake up on time to do their posts the end-of-day roundup of shit we didn't get to during the work day falls upon me. Think of it as a daily purge. I suggest you stay around at work waiting for it because you will be the most informed person at happy hour and that's a good way of making up for being the most drunk. So without further ado, good evening. The Dow, Nasdaq and S&P 500 are all starting to recover from the horrible blow that was the iPhone's merely preposterous and not universe-altering sales, and this and this were all I found looking for smutty ticker symbols to celebrate the twin blessings of a healthy market and National Orgasm week. Okay, so!

  • I woke up late.
  • Now I know how I will go about never waking up again. [Telegraph]
  • Some grooms apparently have vaginas. [Daily Mirror]
  • Which explains why post-partum depression is so very very tough on them. [ABC News]
  • Science may have found a way to solve Lindsay Lohan. Or maybe just all those coke-addicted mice out there. [Daily Mail]
  • A rule of thumb for tipping your sperm child: it should be at least as much as the spank bank paid you for the DNA. [NYT]
  • This is going to totally shock Lula Mae Broadway but I never saw any of Ingmar Bergman's films [Wash Post]
  • And I won't see anything until after I see the Simpsons movie everyone else saw while I was attending to my drinking problem. [WSJ]
  • Rudy Giuliani says the Dems want a "nanny government", and we'd take a Scarlett Johansson-Fran Drescher ticket over Cheney-Bush ANY DAY. [AP]
  • Renting: not just for third world uteruses anymore! [Breitbart]
  • "Jesus — at what tax rate are your brains forcibly removed?" LOL. [Wonkette]
  • Hillary Clinton writes almost like a Sarah Lawrence student.
  • Campral absolutely does not work. We're back on excess.

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Alpine Joe

Do you really have a drinking problem?

I know that one of the last things people do before they hit AA is make fun of their alcohol problem. They're no longer denying: they're now accepting—but it's so funny!! ha ha ha ha ha!

Not that I did anything remotely close to that 10 years ago May.....