Eighty-year-old Giorgio Armani, the white-haired man pictured above, is sick of gay men dressing so gay. In an interview with The Sunday Times Magazine, the Italian fashion designer complained about “homosexual men” dressing all “homosexual.”

“A homosexual man is a man 100%. He does not need to dress homosexual...When homosexuality is exhibited to the extreme — to say, ‘Ah, you know I’m homosexual,’ — that has nothing to do with me. A man has to be a man.”

Let’s work this out, because that’s a whopper of a statement. All men are 100% men, and all men should dress like men who are not homosexual. So that means they should dress...straight? OK! But what does that mean, exactly? Clothes aren’t inherently gay or straight! Confusing, right? I’m just going to let the man’s work speak for itself, so here’s a lesson in “dressing straight” for all the gay men out there, based entirely on Giorgio Armani’s own fashions.

Here’s an Armani look that’s not gay.


Oooh, check out this look made especially for manly men.

Put on your favorite outfit, y’all, because we’re going to the straight club tonight!


Studies show 90 percent of straight men wear this outfit when on first dates with sexy straight women.


Here are some straight man thongs in Emporio Armani’s current straight man underwear collection.

OK, great. Now we all know how to dress like a man.

Though Armani was happy to insult gay men with a particular fashion sense, as well as tell all men—gay or straight—that they must align to his broad definition of masculinity, he refused to discuss his own sexuality.

“He will talk about everything except his private life,” the article says. “No one denies he is gay. There’s a picture of his long-time companion in a silver frame next to where he is sitting. Yet, he won’t talk about him or any of his other partners.”


Thanks for the lessons, Giorgio! I truly respect your opinions.

Images via Splash/Getty/Emporio Armani.

Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.