Getting The Hell Out Of Dodge

When I started writing for Jezebel today, it was a site full of promise. OK, maybe not full of promise, but I had some expectations. I expected that this feminist site and I would have some laughs and some learning and that everyone would agree that what I say is correct and that different opinions are wrong. I just say what everyone’s been thinking! Everyone should be delighting in the fact that someone has the courage to say it.

But I was shocked and disgusted by what really happened.

I have dedicated several dozen minutes to this site over the course of the last several hours, and what do I have to show for it? Higher blood pressure, way too much information about a cavalcade of internet fatties who have either never been kissed or who are taking out their daddy issues on any which man they might find and then bragging about their exploits like it’s 1492 and they’re sailing the ocean blue on three ships commissioned by the Queen of Spain herself — the Peen-ah, the Fellatio, and the Santa Fornicatia. Disgusting! You’re not the first harlots to discover sex.

And don’t even get me started on the Outrage Patrol. A girl can’t even express an opinion about an entire ethnic group based on fleeting, unavoidable interactions with certain members of that ethnic group without an army of angry goody two shoes know it alls jumping down her throat. Since when was having an opinion a punishable offense? If you’re so against people having opinions, maybe you should move to North Korea (although I can’t imagine why anyone would willfully subject themselves to living near Koreans and their filthy barbecues designed to make you fat, which is also disgusting).

Furthermore, what has a man ever done to you? Hating men is for ugly girls, and, as far as I can tell, this site is full of uglies who are just jealous of how pretty and skinny and successful I am. It’s not my fault that men love me and not you. Maybe instead of spending your energy hating men and hating yourselves, you should do what I did and get a personal trainer and start prepping for bikini season.

The commenters here are the worst thing on the entire internet. Do you have any idea how tacky it is to treat me with such disrespect? I am an internet blogger. I demand the respect that’s owed to me and others of similar stature. People are sassing me left and right, discounting my opinions, daring to suggest I don’t know what I’m talking about or that I’m misinformed. Well, Jezebel, if I’m so “misinformed,” then why am I writing on a blog? Do you think that the powers that be would ever allow a falsity to reach the gilded platform of the internet?

While I’ve tried to silence the nagging voice in the back of my head all day, it’s gotten the point where I can no longer in good conscience ignore it: all commenters on and contributors to this website are in a conspiracy against me. You’re all a bunch of racist man haters and this has become the electronic forum equivalent of Nazi Germany! You’re attempting to silence me and censor me, and I won’t stand for it, and neither will a little something called The United States Constitution.

You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.

I’m leaving this Eva Braun bunker for the greener pastures of reality and the respect to which I’m entitled. I’m going away forever, and I won’t be coming back. You won’t have ol’ Marjorie to kick around anymore.