Get a Slammin' Summer Bikini Bod With These 5 Easy Steps

Illustration for article titled Get a Slammin' Summer Bikini Bod With These 5 Easy Steps

With summer rapidly approaching, we must also face the onslaught of articles and news segments on the various ways we can manipulate our bodies into looking so perfect in a swimsuit that we will never be unhappy again. As GMA pointed out this morning, people do a lot of crazy (and often senseless) things in order to appear in shape — they're taking naps in LED pods, they're having abs contoured onto their skin (SNORE) and they're having botox injected into their chest to make their implants more relaxed (also: they are getting implants).


Sure, these procedures are a little extreme, but what if you'd rather be XTREME and truly get the body of your dreams? We have you covered with 5 surefire tips:

  • Why not try bone shaving? No matter how much weight you lose or muscles you shape, your bones are still horrifically obese. Doctors generally say that they won't do this, but most will if you offer them enough money, threaten their families or if you are both members of a Rotary club.
  • If you feel like getting crafty, stick a popsicle stick into an orange that you've painted a face on and glued hair to (you can use fake hair, but I recommend using your own). Tell everyone that the orange is you then lock yourself in a closet until you either die or it's cold enough to walk around in a parka.
  • Hit the rack.
  • When you're unable to make it to the gym, write the word "ABS" as big as possible across your stomach. Language is powerful and when people see the word, they won't be able to help themselves from associating it with your body. (This doesn't only work for abs, but for any and all problem areas — go ahead and write "BICEPS" on your arms or "PRETTY" on your face. You'll be shocked at how many looks you get!)
  • Join an ultimate frisbee league.

Now, you're ready for the shore!



Yes, that's right Jezebel, it is totally ridiculous that some people want to be thin.