Gag Me: Semen Cocktails Are Now a Thing

If you thought egg whites were a funky addition to cocktail menus around the country, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

While you might not get salmonella from consuming sperm — actually, can you? — libations made with the male seed (I’M SORRY) are here to stay. Well, at least according to one dude, Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer, the prophet of man juice mixology.

His second book on the matter of baby batter, Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook, teachers people how to create beverages for their lover using ingredients like fresh mint leaf, lemon zest, and jizz.

“If you want your partner to swallow, you should be willing to eat your own semen — I mean, it’s your semen,” he told SF Weekly. “Then I started thinking about it. People eat all kinds of weird shit. Eggs are the menstruation of chickens. Milk is the mammary excretion from cows. Semen is… at least it’s fresh and you know who the producer is.”

Annnd that is (now) one of the main reasons I’m vegan.

Anna Roth at SF Weekly reached out to an infectious disease specialist to inquire about the health hazards of too much man ranch.

Of course, there’s gross and then there’s unsafe. To find out about the potential health risks or benefits, I talked to an infectious disease specialist and professor at the Berkeley School of Public Health who asked not to be named. “I really thought I’d heard it all,” he says in response to my query (when an infectious disease specialist says that, you know it’s out of the norm). He thinks about the risks for a moment. “If the food is thoroughly cooked, well-cooked, to destroy any life forms in the semen, like any viruses… that would be my first concern,” he says, citing HIV, CMV (a herpes virus), and other STDs that could be transmitted through raw semen.

Makes sense — if you’re willing to swallow your partner’s semen, you shouldn’t worry about the health hazards of mixing it into a mojito.

However, if you’re thinking about replacing your pre-workout protein shake with a hearty glass of splooge sangria, not too fast — the infectious disease specialist says the amount of protein in one… er, serving?… of sperm is “negligible”.

For now, Photenhauer recommends only crafting cocktails with trusted sperm, but who knows what the future could bring? Maybe this will be a thing like eating Komodo dragons in The Freshman? Rich people are nuts when it comes to paying the big bucks to do weird shit. Hell, it might already be on the menu in some speakeasy somewhere.