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Furiously Masturbating Man Attempts Daring Escape Mid-Flight

Illustration for article titled Furiously Masturbating Man Attempts Daring Escape Mid-Flight

A Virgin Airlines flight was diverted earlier this week when a passenger, intent on joining the mile-high club, began masturbating furiously while in the air. When apprehended, he attempted — and failed — to make the most daring plane escape in history. Police are calling it a medical emergency.

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Very few details have been released about Doug Adams, a Woodside, California man who another passenger says was wearing a hospital bracelet while flying from Boston to Los Angeles on Monday. Adams, who was taken to the hospital for observation once the plane landed, had been caught masturbating, had engaged in a verbal altercation with another passenger and then, in a state of pique, tried to open the emergency door to just get the fuck away from all these fucking people in their awful sweatpants and their goddamn neck pillows and airline magazines with the crosswords already filled out. (Probably using the same hand he had been masturbating with.)

From NBC Bay Area:

"He at that point was fidgeting and began to remove the plastic covering from the emergency exit door and tried to pull to open the door,'' Slater [another passenger] said. "Fortunately there were a couple of Boston police officers on the flight that were there at that point to help as well.''

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Thank god for the Boston Police. I don't know what Adams thought he was doing, but he's got to understand that the emergency slide doesn't work while in the air (you will still die) and that it's even more terrifying when you have to jump on it while flying. I mean, it's pretty terrifying even when it's on the ground (I do not like jumping onto things), but in the air? Wasn't there a parachute or something? I am getting sweaty palms just thinking about how scary this must have been for everyone.

According to NBC, Adams has since been arrested.

Image via Shutterstock

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DISCUSSION

arischwartz
Ari Schwartz: Dark Lord of the Snark

The bright side to this (always look on the bright side of life!) is that the crazy was outweighed by physics: you cannot open emergency doors mid-flight. It's physically not possible:

You cannot – repeat, cannot – open the doors or emergency hatches of an airplane in flight. You can't open them for the simple reason that cabin pressure won't allow it. Think of an aircraft door as a drain plug, fixed in place by the interior pressure. Almost all aircraft exits open inward. Some retract upward into the ceiling; others swing outward; but they open inwardfirst, and not even the most musclebound human will overcome the force holding them shut. At a typical cruising altitude, up to eight pounds of pressure are pushing against every square inch of interior fuselage. That's over 1,100 pounds against each square foot of door. Even at low altitudes, where cabin pressure levels are much less, a meager 2 p.s.i. differential is still more than anyone can displace — even after six cups of coffee and the aggravation that comes with sitting behind a shrieking baby. The doors are further held secure by a series of electrical and/or mechanical latches.

That still doesn't mean that it doesn't suck, but that's good to know if someone tries to pop your plane open sometime.