Kate Beckinsale wants the world to understand two things:
- She’s a relatable and fun mom.
- Her daughter does not do cocaine!
Her vehicle of choice for this announcement was a Instagram-ed text exchange with her daughter, aspiring Instagram comedian Lily Mo Sheen. (If you forgot she has a child with actor Michael Sheen: same!) But while most outlets would present this to you as a listicle, complete with reaction gifs and line by line breakdowns, I’ll opt for the route involving needless editorializations:
“Kate waited for her daughter to finish blow drying her long brown tresses when she asked, ‘Are you doing a lot of cocaine?’ Shocked, Lily was quick to respond ‘Um, I’m doing zero cocaine. What is happening?’ She stormed off, still wrapping her hair up and clearly irritated by her mom’s latest ‘bit.’ (She’d been doing these frequently since her breakup with occasional comedian Pete Davidson.) She yelled from the other room, angrily sorting through PrettyLittleThing mini dresses, ‘I physically couldn’t be doing less cocaine! You can’t say that and then go silent!’ Kate appeared in the doorway, grinning. “I had a dream you were and I was so mad.” Lily threw the metallic Boohoo two piece she’d been debating on at her mom. “You are a lunatic!”
With such vivid detail and an eye for character development, consider this message effectively delivered!
[People]
Videos surfaced yesterday of comedian and former 30 Rock actor Tracy Morgan slamming on the window of a woman who’d just side swiped his brand new, $2 million Bugatti sports car. He can be heard yelling “Bitch, get out of the car!” while informing passerby that he’d “just bought it.” Nobody was injured, and the woman wasn’t charged by police. However! Just this morning, 61 year old Jocelyn Madulid of Jersey City spoke exclusively to Page Six about the incident. She described herself as “traumatized” and unaware of Tracy Morgan. She says,
“I was just curious, people were taking pictures of him and his car. I asked the traffic officer, why people were taking pictures and he said ‘you don’t watch TV? That’s a famous guy. Then there was a double decker bus and the tourist guide was saying: ‘oh, that’s Tracy Morgan!”
Maybe a new political platform should center damaging the expensive sports cars of the rich and famous? But, as these situations tend to devolve, she’s now alleging that it was actually Morgan who hit HER car, which I support! To quote:
“We are both turning right- people are still crossing. So what happened is we’re both turning right. But I know he hit me because I was already turning. I was there, he was the one who hit me!”
The lesson, then? Don’t drive a $2 million Bugatti through the streets of New York City.
[Page Six]
Two days ago, stylist June Ambrose asked rich person Hannah Bronfman if she was attending the CFDA Awards with Kate Spade. She’s seen asking, “Is she here?” in the video below:
Here is her apology:
- Sources claim that Steven Spielberg met with former president Barack Obama on Monday to discuss a collaboration. [Page Six]
- Rob Kardashian tweeted “Oh hi.” at Dominican singer Natasha Natti. Her response? Retweeting a photo of his daughter with “Princess God Bless Her,” The initiation ritual has commenced! [ET Online]
- The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills seem incapable of discussing the nuances of disordered eating on television. [People]
- J-Law is described as “hot to trot” by the chaos merchants at Page Six. [Page Six]
- At first I thought my sleep paralysis demons had begun haunting my waking life. Nope! Barbara Corcoran really asked Jay-Z to go on Shark Tank as a “freshly minted billionaire.” [TMZ]