Fuck You, Cats

Illustration for article titled Fuck You, Cats

There's a species in the animal kingdom that needs to be eliminated from planet earth and it's called "a cat," or Felis domesticus, traditionally adopted by many lonely individuals as a stand-in companion to an actual person, handicapped or upright-walking. Cats, also known as felines, pussies, overgrown hamsters, slow-witted ferrets, dander demons, are representative of America's growing trend of entitled laziness and inertia. Most cat "owners" these days simply take in these dim creatures because they feel the need to have something in their lives to love them unconditionally even though they're truly wretched and do not deserve it. I want you all to take a moment and think of the cat lovers you know. Most of them possess the following traits or characteristics:


There are exceptions, of course, but most of those high-functioning cat owners tend to have dogs or talking parrots in their one-bedroom apartments covered in poisonous sodium bentonite to keep themselves better adjusted. You rarely ever see cat owners with children because more often than not, they do not procreate, let alone find a male sexual partner to share a bed with them for more than a few hours. And even on that rare occasion, it's only after the cat owners drug prospective lovers with Claritin. (Again, this has been my experience.)

Some well-meaning psychiatrists have suggested intervening on a consistent social level with those afflicted with cat-lover syndrome and but I feel like that's a temporary dressing. More often than not, these people are hopelessly self-destructive so eliminating them from your social circle entirely is the only way to solve America's cat problem. That, or just go into their houses and kidnap their cats so they can be placed in a giant freezer for humane eradication.

We're not there yet, but if we don't do something right now it will be the only solution.

A.J. Daulerio is the editor of Gawker. He used to have a pet eel but it somehow escaped from the aquarium and died of PTSD.


Image via Evgeny Itsikson/Shutterstock.