Fuck This Fucking Lawn Water: Five Days on a Juice Cleanse

Before anyone says anything about how a few days of drinking grass in a bottle is not a healthy or effective way to lose weight, I just want to lose 3 poundsssszzzss! Just kidding. No, my five days of mainlining liquid vegetables is actually a serious effort to unhitch my apple wagon from the (death) star that is Marlboro Reds and functional alcoholism, because while I wasn’t looking, shit got bad. Like a bottle of sauv blanc at home and then five drinks at a bar and still able to talk semi-coherently about books bad. Like Days Of Wine and Roses but with mediocre Instant Netflix indie dramas instead of Jack Lemmon bad.

There are myriad reviews of the Blueprint Cleanse on the Internet (although some of the reviewers were provided with the product for free in exchange for a review), so I’ll be comparing and contrasting.

I will also be dropping some truth-bombs on you guys about poop, but I’ll warn you before I do. Because we’re all real ladies and when we sit down to “eliminate” (as the Blueprint website puts it) we expel Sephora samples and an effervescent sense of calm, OBVIOUSLY.

Before The Cleanse:

I had watermelon, a few iterations of that sad excuse for a “salad,” and two yams. One yam the day before the cleanse, even though they recommend against starch, because THAT’S JUST HOW I ROLL, AND BESIDES, IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE MY REAL DAD!!! I’LL BE IN MY ROOM.

Day 1:

First, here’s what “they” say about it. From Oh Eat Dirt:

Overall, I did not feel hungry at all… One thing I did notice was I felt more focused throughout the day, and maybe it was from the cleanse or maybe it was because I wasn’t daydreaming about what I was going to make that night or have for lunch. Physically, my typical bloodshot eyes were clear, a true miracle.

Okay. Let’s talk brass tacks and taste. First, there are six juices. The juices are numbered 1-6 and can be described thusly:

1. Your next door neighbor’s freshly-cut grass that she meticulously maintains because her marriage is terrrrrrible, or at least that’s what your mom told my mom in the frozen foods aisle at Shop-Rite but don’t spread that around, OK?

Or, as Chef Amber Shea puts it: “This was a very drinkable green juice, and even by the end of day 3, I still wasn’t tired of it. In sum: refreshing and enjoyable!”

2. Fruit mint. Pretty yumz.
3. See #1.
4. Spicy lemonade.
5. See #1 and urghhhhh.
6. Cinnamon-infused cashew milk, hereafter referred to as “angel jizz.” It’s awesome. Like it was milked from a breed of sparkly nut-cow found exclusively in Gstaad. But that might also be the lawn water talking.

Had half a glass of champagne at an event and spent the rest of the night wracked with guilt.

Day 2:

This is what the The Jet Set Girls say about Day 2:

My energy levels were sky high the first two days. I was ultra productive and managed to not only get myself organized, but also set some goals for the coming months. I was clear headed and on fire.

Me? Not so much. Maybe I would be “ultra productive” if [POOP WARNING] my butthole had not become a magician’s top hat. What will I “eliminate” next? A white rabbit? The Magic School Bus with Miss Frizzle anxiously trying to convince 15 extremely alarmed grade school students not to tell their parents what they saw today because she’s been on probation since 12-year-old Chris Bramante was eaten by a Mexican penis fish during their Underwater Adventure Day? Josh Brolin?

I also feel kind of nauseous. Probably because an episode of Veggie Tales is happening inside me.

Pants put on: 0. Syndicated Frasier episodes watched: Too many. If those were my goals, I have achieved them.

Day 3:

Day 3 is supposedly awesome. Here’s someone’s testimony from 365 Days of Wellness:

My coworkers tell me I’m glowing… Day 3 of the BluePrintCleanse was the best of the whole program. I’m not sure if that’s because I know it’s all over soon, or if I really do feel rejuvenated. I don’t feel hungry, I don’t have a headache, I went to the gym in the morning, AND the juice drinking seems like less of a burden.

From Vashtie:

I feel amazing. All day I was in deep thought which, for me, has always been a great outcome of fasting/cleansing. Not only that but my body feels lighter and energized. Another great thing about any cleanse is that you want to do better; eat better and live healthier. It’s a great fresh start!

Me? Dizzy. Call Blueprint to see when my delivery of the remaining 2 days of juice will come.

Me: So uh, I’m on a 5-day cleanse, and I have my three days, but it’s my last day, so I need another 2 days, does that make sense?

Blueprint customer service person: Haha, um, no? What?

Blueprint has now become that high school frenemy who once told you it was “brave” to wear a white bikini and you never wore one since.

Day 4:

This is where most of the blog reviews drop off, because many of them only did a 3-day cleanse, because many of them are not insane. I did find this woman:

“Cleanse confession time!”
“I ate one stalk of celery.”

If I thought a celery stalk would have satiated me, I would have cheated. But at this point, nothing short of the deep-fried, multicolored-sprinkles-topped, hot fudge-drenched heads of my enemies will do. So it’s really not worth it.

Text friend: “OMG, i think i’m dying.” He responds like an hour later because my intestines are obviously equally fascinating to everyone around me. If Julie Taymor is reading this, I’m just saying, major Broadway potential.

I also got a colonic today, at Blueprint’s recommendation, the details of which I will spare you, except to say I’ve never heard anyone “yelp” in real life until today, and it was me. YOLO?

Day 5:

Wake up freezing cold with a runny nose. I am officially sub-human. According to the Blueprint website, this is “Just A Healing Crisis!” Some other healing crises listed:

• Fatigue
• Headaches
• Constipation/Diarrhea
• Skin eruptions
• Rash/Hives
• Cold sores/Canker sores
• Dry mouth
• Nausea
• Insomnia
• A ton of energy
• Increased sex drive
• Overwhelming sense of calm and productivity

Good thing you have all that sex drive! Nothing says “fuck me now” like “I have scurvy??!!”

The website says you have to break the cleanse the same way you prepared for it: fruit, then fruit and salad. But “fruit” means “quesadilla” in some languages, right?

At hot yoga, I mention to the instructor that I am on a cleanse, just in case I spontaneously pass out or start crying blood.

“Oh, only five days? I did a ten-day fast. No juice, nothing. I could have gone longer.”

FUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU

At 7 PM I break my fast with half a cup of black coffee (an item on the “cheat” list), and now I know what Wendy from Breaking Bad feels like. At some point, I go to sleep. It’s over.

Day 6, Also Known As Oh Hi Food

This is the day of reckoning. A satisfied customer writes on Shutterbean:

I still feel FANTASTIC. My skin is clear and I have a lot of energy. I also lost 7lbs! I’ve been wanting to lose some weight in the past few months but just couldn’t get motivated. This experience has given me a jump start to live a healthier/cleaner life. Feeling lighter is good motivation to keep it up.

Me? Aside from a tiny appetite that I bet won’t last more than 5 minutes, I feel exactly the same. I mean, I’m glad I made it to the end, but I haven’t Animorphed into Gwyneth Paltrow. Cheeseburgers are in my future.