Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Fuck, Marry, Kill: The Romney Sons

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As the 2012 political season heats up, it's important that we don't lose sight of what's really important in the election cycle: the fuckability levels of candidates' sons. Since Mitt Romney's got the sons with the squarest jawlines, let's start Decision 2012 with an epic Romney on Romney edition of Fuck, Marry, Kill.

Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney's been married to his wife for more than 40 years. During that time, the two of them have joined forces to produce five strapping Romneys, all of whom have their pros and cons. For the sake of the game, let's pretend that they're not all married. There are five of them, so you get to choose two fucks, two kills, and one marry (because marriage is forever, amirite?). Also, it's just a game — we are not honestly advocating actually doing the things listed in the game's traditional name to any of Romney's sons (we're talking to you, Secret Service). If you're uncomfortable with the harsh tone of "Fuck, Marry, Kill," feel free to change it to "Fuck, Civil Union, Kill." Whatever works for you. This game is all about choice.


Taggart Romney

The case for fuck: At 41, he's approaching middle age, so if you have a thing for guys in their forties, Tagg's your man.
The case for marry: He's rich, a managing partner at Solamere Capital. He wears suits to work every day and brings home gilded bacon at night. Being married to Tagg Romney would be like living the final scene in an 1980's style fairy tale about female upward social mobility.
The case for kill: His name is Taggart and he works in finance. He is exactly what a kid would picture when you told them you knew a guy named "Sailboat Von Moneybags."
The verdict: FUCK. This was a difficult, mulled-over decision. With a name like Tagg, it would be tough to fuck him — his name's odd enough that saying it in the heat of passion would sound like Sarah Palin yelling at her future wayward grandson on report card day. But marriage may be tough as well — it's been reported that he listens to a lot of Billy Joel, and nothing kills the mood like "Piano Man" during sexytime. But there are less-fuckable Romney sons out there, and we have to trust that with age comes sexual wisdom.


Josh Romney

The case for fuck: He's very Ken doll-like, but lives in Salt Lake City. Clearly you're not moving there, so this is just going to have to be a one-time thing. One night stands can be fun.
The case for marry: The guy would look great on a Christmas card.
The case for kill: He's kind of dead behind the eyes.
The verdict: FUCK. Josh is a real estate developer who is rumored to be interested in going into politics, so unless you're interested in being a political wife, you'd have years of ass pain ahead of you. But I'm not sure Josh deserves to be killed, either. Have you seen pictures of this guy with facial hair? He wears scruff unbelievably well. Fuckably well. This one's saved from the theoretical guillotine by his handsomeness.


Craig Romney

The case for fuck: At 30, he's the youngest, so may be the most sexually vibrant of the Romney sons.
The case for marry: Those cheekbones and curly hair could produce some mighty cute children.
The case for kill: He thinks that Mitt Romney served as the model for Jack Donaghy's hair on 30 Rock, even though there's an episode where Jack clearly asks for Ronald Reagan's haircut.
The verdict: KILL. From some angles, he looks like a million dollar rockstar. From others, like a delicate man with soft hands that may not know what to do with an axe or a boob. Because you can't fuck someone from only flattering angles, a tryst with Craig is out. There are better Romney sons to marry, too. Sorry, Craig. On the bright side, with death comes the Celestial Kingdom, no?


Matt Romney

The case for fuck: He's arguably the hottest one.
The case for marry: His musical taste isn't totally awful. He reportedly enjoys The Shins, the White Stripes, and Led Zeppelin. If he likes those bands, you can probably convince him to like other, cooler stuff.
The case for kill: He made that stupid joke about Barack Obama releasing his long-form birth certificate and college grades, because he's apparently a Tea Party stand-up comedian performing in the year 2008.
The verdict: MARRY. Matt is too pretty to die, but his stinker of a joke may be indicative of a deal-breakery dumb sense of humor. Would you rather fuck a birther in a night of hatesex? Or marry someone with different political views than yours in hopes of eventually trusting they'd come around? The latter, we say — interesting conversation and debate can make a marriage more interesting, plus if he starts saying dumb shit, you can just turn the music up until the urge to wax paranoid passes.


Ben Romney

The case for fuck: If he's capable of growing such a lush, thick beard, you may be curious to see what other tricks he's got up his sleeve.
The case for marry: He's a doctor, so if you're interested in medicine or talking about medicine, you could probably have some interesting heart-to-hearts. He's also the least square-jawed of the Romnettes, and thus may lack the manly hormones that evolutionary psychologists say cause men to cheat.
The case for kill: I'm sure he's a lovely man on the inside, but he's sort of the Isaac Hansen of the Romney brothers.
The verdict: KILL. Ben is not a fuck, but it's nearly a toss up between marry and kill. But his medical career could mean a lack of time for you and your marriage, dooming the long-term potential of the relationship from the start. Sorry, Ben.


Final verdict:
Fuck: Josh, Tagg
Marry: Matt
Kill: Ben, Craig

The Romney Sons: a guide [Buzzfeed]

Images via AP, Getty, and Shutterstock.