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Fuck, Marry, Kill: The John Edwards Trial

Illustration for article titled Fuck, Marry, Kill: The John Edwards Trial

Once in a generation can we hope to witness the degree of terrible we're currently witnessing during the trial of John Edwards, former Presidential candidate, former Senator, eternal jackass. But Edwards, who fathered a child with a woman who was not his cancer-stricken wife and then allegedly paid her (his mistress, not his wife who was dying of cancer) off so she wouldn't ruin his Presidential bid, is far from the only awful person involved in the trial. And this got us thinking: if you subjected the players in the Edwards trial to a Fuck, Marry, Kill thought experiment, what would happen? Let's find out.


First, a disclaimer, for those of us who are still in their teenage "take everything literally" stage (no judgment! We all go through it): no, we're not advocating that anyone go out and murder John Edwards. And we're especially not advising anyone to fuck anyone involved in the Edwards trial, as that would only serve to provide positive reinforcement to a series of terrible, terrible life decisions. Fuck, Marry, Kill is a game that was invented in the back of a school bus in a suburb somewhere (or the medieval equivalent of a school bus) as a way to pass the miles. Because there are four players in this game, you get two picks in one of the categories. And away we go.

John Edwards

Why fuck? The morally bankrupt man had sex appeal; everyone from Rielle Hunter to Bunny Mellon to Andrew Young to the state of North Carolina fell under the spell of his impeccably coiffed mane and his sparkling politician eyes.
Why marry? Good reasons to marry John Edwards: you enjoy being cheated on and/or you're into photogenic family portraits. Either that or your idea of a perfect wedding ceremony is a rooftop affair in New York with the Dave Matthews Band playing all the hits you were fingerbanged to in college.
Why kill? He's not the only bad guy involved in this debacle, but he's the worst guy in the debacle.
Verdict: Kill.


Rielle Hunter

Why fuck? She's adventurous enough to make a sex tape with John Edwards, indicating an interest in mixing it up. Good traits in a sex partner!
Why marry? The only case for marrying Rielle Hunter is an aversion to the other two categories. Hunter's a mother of a young daughter, to whom witnesses and friends say she seems devoted. Ready made family.
Why kill? By most accounts, Rielle Hunter is an unstable blackmailer who had no qualms about pursuing a married man and then pressuring his campaign to pay for hush money. I mean, she's not a very good person.
Verdict: Fuck.

Andrew Young

Why fuck? Handsomeness. Plus, his blind allegiance to his boss, Jon Edwards, to the point that he was willing to pretend that he had fathered a baby with a woman that wasn't his wife, is pathetic enough that marrying him would be a constant string of disappointments.
Why marry? He's not evil enough for "kill," but not virile enough for copulation. Why not a sexless union?
Why kill? What the world does not need now are people so ambitious and bullshit-blind that they're willing to do anything to please a manipulative, charismatic leader. Young is the sort of person that cults and totalitarian dictatorships are built on.
Verdict Kill.


Bunny Mellon

Why fuck? Bunny Mellon is a 102-year-old heiress with millions of dollars. Fucking Bunny Mellon is off the table in this game.
Why marry? Mellon has millions of dollars and you two could live quite a comfortable lifestyle.
Why kill? Mellon reportedly would invite John Edwards over to her massive estate, but only if he didn't bring his wife Elizabeth. Edwards would flirt, Mellon would write a check, and their weird kept polito/donor relationship continued apace. Until it was discovered that Mellon's money was being used to pay for private jet service for Rielle Hunter.
Verdict: Marry.


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Can't we have an "ignore until they go away" option?