Free Posh Spice (From Her Own Wardrobe, That Is)

Illustration for article titled Free Posh Spice (From Her Own Wardrobe, That Is)

Who is Britain's #1 sufferer of DFS (Debilitating Fashion Syndrome)? Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham, of course. And just to prove how badly poor Posh is suffering, the UK's Daily Mail sent writer Kathryn Knight to spend a day in Victoria's shoes. Literally. Ever the good sport, Knight strapped herself into a reproduction of an infamous Posh outfit — skintight pencil skirt, boobs-popping-out blouse, and ginormous heels — to see how effectively and efficiently day-to-day activities could be completed. And, as could be expected, had a hell of a time doing so.


Task: Getting dressed
Verdict: Difficult

There is a common denominator to Victoria's clothing and it's best summed up as follows: tight. So much so that it takes quite an expenditure of energy simply to put it on. As I huff and puff my way into one of her signature pencil skirts over a period of some minutes, I find myself musing whether this is in fact Victoria's sole exercise regime.


Task: Putting shoes on
Verdict: Almost impossible

Effectively I have to be manoeuvred into them like a crane dropping an enormous boulder into place. They are so high - a six inch heel combined with half an inch of padded sole for good measure - that once you've got one on it's impossible to effectively balance without the support of a passer-by until you've levered yourself in the other. Actually walking is even more of a feat. Admittedly I'm not a physically fit person, but it is still rather odd to get shooting pains in your calves from the mere act of putting one foot in front of the other.

Task: Shopping
Verdict: Masochistic

[I]t takes me so long to disrobe to try anything on - and perhaps more pertinently to put it all back on again - that it's easier not to bother. It now becomes obvious why Victoria often gets shops to close to other customers while she flexes her credit card: it's a clear-cut matter of prolonged changing room availability.


Task: Going to the bathroom
Verdict: Pretty much impossible without a diaper

She must also have the bladder of a camel because it is certainly too much of a drama to go to the loo with any frequency for much the same reason.


Task: Eating
Verdict: Absurd

[W]hen you are wearing a skirt with a waistband the size of a Hula Hoop - the crisp [British slang for "cracker"], not the child's toy - there's not much room even for your radicchhio salad.


Task: Child-rearing
Verdict: Dangerous

[I cannot hold] onto [a child] with any skill given that I can't stand up straight without the support of a friend.


Final Verdict: As suspected, Victoria Beckham is a fembot.
Wear It Like Beckham [Daily Mail UK]
Earlier: Fatal Epidemic Breaks Out In UK; Paralylsis-Yielding Jeans To Blame

Share This Story

Get our newsletter


Please don't hate me, but a "crisp" is actually a potato chip. It's only relevant because, well, a chip is even smaller than a cracker. Ahem.