François Hollande and Valerie Trierweiler Are Breaking Up

The presidential sex saga between French President François Hollande, First Lady Valérie Trierweiler, and actress Julie Gayet has reached a conclusion…for the time being. Hollande himself called Agence France-Presse this weekend to give everyone a heads up that he’s initiated a break up with Trierweiler in the wake of news that his penis had been wandering beyond the gates of the Elysée Paris.

Hollande and Trierweiler aren’t married, but they have been living together ever since Hollande’s split from Ségolène Royal, the Hillary to his Bill (at least according to this Vanity Fair story, which should bring you up to speed on all the things French politicians do with their junk). Trierweiler was hospitalized for a full week after the French tabloid Closer revealed that Hollande was having an affair. The love triangle between her, Hollande, and Gayet has, in the meantime, become big news, even if a politician, and especially a French politician, having an affair is the most commonplace thing in the world.

Hollande told the AFP (just a day after meeting with Pope Francis) that he and Trierweiler decided to split “by mutual consent,” though the Daily Beast doesn’t think this is quite true. Really, Hollande was most likely trying to put out a wildfire of scandal before the news got even more out of control, i.e. more out of control than rumors that his affair with Gayet was somehow linked to the Corsican mafia, or that Trierweiler turned into a maelstrom of jealousy and stormed through Hollande’s office, causing an impossible $4 million in damages. It’s enough to drive a publicist to drinking…