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Fox Business News: Where Are All The Hot, Semi-Fat Male Anchors?

Illustration for article titled Fox Business News: Where Are All The Hot, Semi-Fat Male Anchors?

All day long I've been watching Fox Business News, the new Rupert Murdoch-owned cable channel that is the big obsession of media industry types right now. Anyway, I think the deal is was originally that it was supposed to somehow cover business in way that was even more aggressively pro-business than CNBC, but then that turned out to be impossible so they told everyone they would have hotter chicks. Which is also pretty impossible! So yeah, I've been watching, and they certainly have some cute women who can sorta pronounce "Bernanke" whatevs, but the newscasts are actually really heavy on the men, none of whom I would ever do. Whereas! CNBC, for its part, has long had a huge posse of schlubby male news anchors with Cherry Garcia guts and rings around their armpits who I have always fantasized about, shortsighted stock market cheerleading and corporate excess apologisting be damned! Specifically, ahem, Joe Kernen, because he is, if you weren't aware, awesome.

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And Carl Quintanilla, who is soooo cute (albeit kinda fat.) And David Faber, who is adorable (albeit kinda fat.) And Chuck Gasparino, who broke the story of the hedge fund managers taking estrogen pills, which is probably the best thing I read about all year. Pretty sure he is also on the pudgy side, and def "hirsute." But one of the best things about watching CNBC is that it's like watching Knocked Up: the women are all hotter than the men, but the guys are really funny, and eventually the women loosen up and the guys start to look more attractive for sheer lack of variety, and maybe that's how the gender roles have always worked, but regardless, after awhile you forget you're just watching a bunch of pawns in the larger inexorable scheme to widen the American income gap and learn to appreciate the jokes.

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But one of the best things about watching CNBC is that it's like watching Knocked Up: the women are all hotter than the men, but the guys are really funny, and eventually the women loosen up and the guys start to look more attractive for sheer lack of variety, and maybe that's how the gender roles have always worked, but regardless, after awhile you forget you're just watching a bunch of pawns in the larger inexorable scheme to widen the American income gap and learn to appreciate the jokes.

c'mon..when was the last time you ever saw any show, news-related or otherwise, where the men were hotter than the women and the women were funny and cute albeit kinda fat? hell, you can't even find any shows that look like that on lifetime, for pete's sake, let alone network news.

everytime i see a very large or overweight man on broadcast/network news, i think "there's no way a woman that size would have his job". exhibit a: al roker, before or after his gastric bypass...still would be hard pressed to find a woman who would have his job at either size. oprah doesn't count, since she started out in network news as a tiny little thing. plus, when you begin your empire working on a local talk show, the playing field is different.