For the Love of God, Put on Some Real Pants and Take Your Phone Out of Your Bra

Illustration for article titled For the Love of God, Put on Some Real Pants and Take Your Phone Out of Your Bra

Years of attempted public shamings and Facebook laments have failed to buck the leggings-as-pants trend. Now, one school in Canada, disturbed by its female students' public displays of camel toe and ass-meat, is laying the law down by formally and officially declaring that leggings are not suitable pants. Meanwhile, a fledgling company is poised to begin selling a bra that contains a pocket the perfect size for your iphone and credit cards and a folded $20 bill for you to soak with your pheromone saturated pit juice. It's time to stop this madness. Leggings are not pants, and bras are not purses, and if we keep going at this rate, soon no one will know how to wear clothing properly anymore.


Eastern Passage Education Centre in Halifax, Nova Scotia has fired shots in the war on leggings by banning inappropriate tights-as-pants, deeming the practice "not acceptable for school." They've also declared yoga pants to be "gray area" clothing, sometimes acceptable and sometimes bannable. In response, about 30 girls wore leggings to school the next day. Apparently, the tights-as-pants epidemic that hit America about the time that Lindsay Lohan was debuting her Sevin Nyne brand of topically applied depression and futility has made it to Canada.

I understand the Canadian resistance to the War on Leggings; lord knows my jeggings can be pried from my cold, dead hands. As far as clothing bottoms go, leggings are better than regular pants, which I'd rather never wear again, if I could help it, and better than skirts, which are pretty much expensive towels that defense attorneys can use as evidence that you weren't really raped.

But right now, our attention doesn't need to be on fighting for our right to wear something that's almost as oppressive as pants; we need to instead focus on fighting the real enemy: bras that we're supposed to use as wallets. Meet the JoeyBra, a monstrosity from two University of Washington students that gives women the opportunity to free themselves from the yoke of purses and instead shove all their crap — phones, credit cards, birth control pills, hopes, dreams — in a mesh pocket under their armpits, which is sort of what normal people do already. The garment's straps can be removed and the bra's designers brag that it can even be worn underneath a party dress, so you can dance, dance, dance the night away like someone with a phone-shaped lymph node tumor that by the end of the night will smell like a fermented armpit. According to the instructional video, it's a snap to use if you're wearing a strapless dress or tube top or whatever, and it only looks a tiny bit like you're way drunker than you're letting on when you shove your phone into the side of your dress like that's just a normal thing that people do at fancy parties.

Do you hear your armpit ringing? I believe that Taste is calling, and it wants you to go home immediately and sit in your room for awhile and think about what you've done.

If the gods of shit to buy wanted women to have clothing that was actually convenient, they'd make bras that sensed your blood alcohol content and fused the bra's clasps together when you reached the legal driving limit. Inventors would create a bluetooth earring so that ladies could look as douchey as their male counterparts, but in a feminine way. And they'd figure out how to make leggings that didn't seek to nestle snugly into your pubic cracks and labia in a way that gets them banned from Canadian schools.




As a non-leggings wearer, can someone please explain how you manage to avoid wedgies, camel toe, and pantylines? (I feel like even a thong would show.) These questions have long burned in my mind.