A very reasonable man in St. Petersburg, Florida took a novel approach to being questioned by police about peeking into windows last week. He told the officers he was looking for "Tony" (aren't we all?) and then proceeded to try and beat the shit out of a fire hydrant. Because fuck fire hydrants for being dirty fucking narcs. Fuck them all.
Fire hydrants: Shady as fuck.
The Tampa Bay Times reports that 34-year-old Jeffrey Paul McKenna was arrested when residents became alarmed by the fact that he was rolling down the street and just peeking into windows. Apparently, people just aren't neighborly in Florida. Or perhaps peeking through people's windows is creepy as fuck. I don't know, I live on the third floor so this is an issue I haven't yet had to deal with. Regardless, even though McKenna told police he wasn't even trying to start nothing and was just looking for this one dude who he knows, they chose not to believe him. Even after McKenna tried to smoke a cop out. According to the police report, McKenna told one of the arresting officers that he "wanted to go with the back up officer and smoke and be back in 20 minutes."
When officers declined McKenna's offer and were only able to produce more questions for him (and not Tony) (Or Jeremy), McKenna began fighting with a fire hydrant who hadn't even done anything to him. Apparently, though, McKenna was so out of it that he didn't even land any blows.
From The Tampa Bay Times:
"He was also acting like he was going to fight the fire hydrant in front of him prior to being taken into custody," the officer wrote.
Man, Florida cops probably have the best stories. The best story any cop who has ever tried to arrest me has is that I started weeping openly and tried to bribe them with a Little Debbie snack cake I was eating. I wasn't even going to be arrested. My friend was just getting a ticket. But it's such a high-stress situation that none of us know how we will react. I proffered "baked" "goods" to the officer and McKenna tried to show off his slick fighting skills by doing the Matrix dance at a fire hydrant. Tomato, to-mah-to.
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