Finally! The Daily Mail Has Written the Ultimate Hilarious Daily Mail Article

As always, the Daily Mail has their razor-sharp journalistic scope trained on the real issues that keep 21st-century human beings awake at night, and they’ve provided an extensive communiqué regarding the #1 Most Important and Totally Legit Thing that People Should Definitely Bother Worrying About Posthaste. That thing, obviously, is SPACE SEX.

Here’s the headline that made my day:

Bad news for the 220-mile high club: Researchers find sex in space could lead to life-threatening illnesses

SEX IN SPACE. THIS IS A THING THAT WE NEED TO BE THINKING ABOUT.

The article goes on to explain how tests have shown that zero-gravity conditions can have negative affects on human (and plant and animal) health.

Dr Chebli said: “We found intracellular traffic flow is compromised under hyper-gravity conditions and both hyper and microgravity affect the precisely coordinated construction of the cellular envelope in the growing cell.

‘This allows us not only to understand general principles of the reproductive mechanism in plants but, more importantly, how the intracellular transport machinery in eukaryotic cells responds to altered gravity conditions.

‘Our findings have implications for human health as similar effects are likely to occur in human cells such as neurons where long distance intracellular transport is crucial.’

So, presumably, it’s the being-in-space that’s harmful to the cells—not the naked-touching-with-a-sexy-alien-waitress. If I’m reading this correctly, the point is that if we moved to Mars and had a few generations of kids in weirdo Mars-gravity, we might all end up with a bunch of fucked-up diseases and then die because our cells would be like, “Nu-uh.” But not because of the dirty, filthy space-sex itself. The Daily Mail just tacked that on so they could cram “220-mile-high club” into the headline. And FOR THAT I SALUTE THEM.