Filomena Tobias Got Four Rich Dudes To Marry Her And You Are Still Single

Illustration for article titled Filomena Tobias Got Four Rich Dudes To Marry Her And You Are Still Single

Filomena "Phyllis" Tobias had a rocky relationship with her gazillion dollar hedge fund manager husband Seth. This was not surprising, since she had a rocky relationship with the other three husbands she had before him, and by rocky I mean lots of police getting called to the house because she liked to hit them etc. etc., but she managed to hold it together with the help of a combination of Xanax, Vicodin, Ritalin, coke and hundred thousand dollar shopping sprees until one evening Seth was found dead in his pool and Filomena was fingered by her phone psychic as the killer. Did she cook a bottle of crushed-up Ambien into her husband's vodka penne and tell him to go swim in the pool while she took the dog for a walk and returned to a $300 million inheritance? A lot of people seem to think she did. But not her lawyer Jay Jacknin! Oh yeah, and Jay Jacknin also happens to be her ex-husband, who introduced his then-wife to Seth (and says of Phyllis: "She had a great body. Women love her. Men find her fascinating. I just couldn't afford her.")

It actually took all I could to get that much of the story out, because I am feeling unbearably nauseas right now, which mayyyy have something to do with the subject material. But there's so much more: Seth maybe met Phyllis on the sex party circuit, her psychic may be framing her as the killer just for fun, Phyllis may have tied up and abducted a gay stripper named Tiger in a jealous rage. Either way, none of that is the point. The point is, hello, yeah, everyone involved in this whole creepy tale is completely terrible, but this woman managed not only to get four separate individual men to marry her, but after bilking, abusing cheating on and divorcing one of them, got him to represent her in the murder of guy she left him for. Happy Valentine's, guys!

The Sordid Death Of Hedge Funder Seth Tobias [NY Magazine]

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See, any terrible person can find SOMEONE to love them. Relationships are no reflection on a person's worth.

Why, yes, I AM single. Why do you ask?