Fed-Up Republican Launches Sarcastic Drive to Outlaw Left-Handed Marriage

Illustration for article titled Fed-Up Republican Launches Sarcastic Drive to Outlaw Left-Handed Marriage

New Hampshire's drive to repeal the state's law allowing gay marriage ended in the House of Representatives yesterday, as the Republican-controlled legislative body agreed to kill the regressive bill. But before that fortunate turn of events, another lawmaker grabbed his comedically oversized gavel and special gag voting pen with the disappearing ink and turned in an absurd amendment of his own: if gay people can't get married, then left-handed people shouldn't be allowed to, either.


Seth Cohn, a "liberty-minded" Republican, added his amendment to a traditional marriage bill that would have banned gay marriage, rolling back a 2-year-old marriage equality law in the state. The proposed law would allow same-sex civil unions, but would have reserved the title of marriage for heterosexual couples, because it's important that we preserve the sanctity of the contractual union between Kim Kardashian and the athlete her mom thinks is the cutest, or Newt Gingrich and a fresh new lady who doesn't have cancer.

Cohn, who is left-handed, described himself in the debate as a "self-hating left hander" who supports the right for everyone to marry the right handed person of their choice. Earlier this week, supporters of Cohn gathered with impassioned anti-left handed marriage signs carrying slogans such as "Two Lefts Don't Make A Right." As a southpaw, I firmly support the bill. Why should I be allowed to marry when it clearly states in the Bible that the left is for Bad People?

What happened to the American government this year? Between the sarcastic butt probe legislation that's been proposed in response to abortion laws in places like Virginia, Ohio, and now Pennsylvania, to the proposed regulation of vasectomies suggested in Georgia to Seth Cohn's new bill that would keep two left handed people from marrying each other and breeding an army of pitchers and first basemen in New Hampshire, it seems that suddenly half of America's elected officials spent their last recess at a teambuilding boot camp at The Groundlings. Unfortunately, I fear that this is setting us up for an inevitable Victoria Jackson run for congress.

Gay Marriage Supporters Protest 'Left Handed Marriage' [Concord Patch]


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New Hampshire, you are awesome!

And your legislature is dominated by ladies!

And your state motto is "Live Free or Die"!

And there is nothing better than a Tamarack lobster roll in the summer!

Long live New Hampshire!