Fantasy Kardashian-Jenner League Rankings: High Stakes in Week 1

This is it, people: the first week of Jezebel’s annual Fantasy Kardashian-Jenner League. It’s been a burning hot seven days for some of the crew, with Paris Fashion Week pulling in Kardashians like moths to a pleasantly scented flame, and a little chillier for others—key players are still benched due to injury, issues, or distinct lack of personal apps. Team Bush & the Tush gained the most from this circumstance and Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink the least, but it’s still early in the season, and anything can happen. Here’s how our teams fared on week one.

Team Bush & the Tush

Kendall Jenner

Blog mentions: 26

Covers of non-US Vogue: 2 (100 pts)

Monthly magazine cover (Cosmo): 1 (20 pts)

Brandon Jenner

Blog mentions: 0

Corey Gamble

Blog mentions: 9

North West

Blog mentions: 4

Total Yardage: 159

Performance summary: Unsurprisingly, QB Kendall Jenner killed this week, with her multiple fashion week appearances, new nipple ring, and not one but two (international) Vogue covers coming out both this month and next. She made that touchdown all on her own, no tweets or Instagrams needed. I wish I could say the same for her niece North West; besides a half-hearted appearance on The Ellen Show, she really didn’t pull her weight at all, which leaves me concerned she might be out with an injury for the rest of the season. Corey Gamble, on the other hand, is showing middling promise, as he shepherded girlfriend Kris Jenner around Paris in support of Kendall in various apparently noteworthy coats. I’d tentatively hoped for more from Brandon, the weakest link on the team as it is; he and his wife Leah just had a baby a few months ago, which I thought would make him a fiery competitor, but they’re being far too subtle about this latest addition to their brood for my tastes. –Kate Dries

TEAM BIBLE

Kim Kardashian

Blog mentions: 40

Product shilling: -10

App mention on Twitter: 7

Monthly magazine cover (Cosmo): 1 (20 pts)

Tabloids: 10

Caitlyn Jenner

Blog mentions: 24

Brody Jenner

Leah Jenner

Total Yardage: 91

Performance summary: Nailing Kim Kardashian as my number one draft pick seemed like a great move in theory, yet I failed to take into account how much her product shilling would cripple my team’s chances. Still, Kim is my MVP and she’s bravely carrying this team on her back. The baby in the oven may be enough to cover our weak spots, plus the new episodes of KUWTK were vital. Caitlyn picked up the slack, thanks to her beefs with Kris and Khloe. But with no motion from Brody, I’m losing sleep over our prospects. I’m hoping Leah Jenner will be a clutch player and give me some baby news. What is she doing with her life?? For now, Leah and Brody are benched, which means I’m riding on the tag team of Kim and Caitlyn. –Clover Hope

TEAM THE GROSS FAN

Khloe Kardashian

Blog mentions: 19

Tabloid cover: 10

Monthly magazine cover (Cosmo): 1 (20 pts)

Product shilling on Instagram: -10

Kris Jenner

Blog mentions: 29

Monthly magazine cover: 20

Penelope Disick

Blog mentions: 1

Casey Jenner

Blog mentions: 0

Total yardage: 89

Performance summary: Lemme tell you something, I was preparing for an ugly season filled with defeat and Icy Hot, but Kris Jenner surprised the hell out of me and proved herself to be Team The Gross Fan’s MVM (Most Valuable Momager). She’s light and quick on her feet, and finds clever ways to sneak her name in and out of the blogs. Though she rarely scores a touchdown, I’ll be damned if Kris isn’t a regular Barry Sanders when it comes to gaining yardage—especially on The Daily Mail’s court. Khloe, on the other hand, wasn’t leading the team as well as I thought she’d be, despite the fact that she’s great at keeping her name on the mouths of all her screaming fans. Penelope Disick even managed to get her head in the game and score a point! Now look—I’m not saying I’m ready for y’all to dump those big salads on my head just yet, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling pretty dang confident. –Bobby Finger

TEAM NOBODY

Kylie Jenner

Blog mentions: 31

Product shilling on Insta: -10

Good tweet: 3

App mentions: 9

Monthly magazine cover (Cosmo): 1 (20 pts)

Rob Kardashian

Blog mentions: 0

Bambi and Norman Jenner

Blog mentions: 0

Reign Disick

Blog mentions: 9

Total yardage: 62

Performance summary: Let me let you in on a little sports world secret: I’m a fucking horrible coach, i.e. I just spent 15 minutes tallying up Instagrams on a Kylie Jenner account that ultimately turned out to be… a fan account… so, Team Nobody is starting off straight in the trash can where it belongs. I took a big chance on Bambi and Norman Jenner, who I am told are dogs: they haven’t achieved true fame by biting anyone’s implants off yet or anything, but I’ve got faith that when this duo performs, it’s gonna be big. Same with Rob Kardashian, whose face I could not pick out in a lineup if you had Bambi and Norman Jenner to my head threatening to bite my implants off: I assume that when this unknown comes to claim his glory, he’s going to draw some motherfucking blood. Reign Disick is pulling a toddler (is he a toddler? I’m not going to look it up)’s worth of weight because his father is literally dating a teenager, whose appearance in a black bikini spawned 9 essentially identical but differently headlined articles on The Daily Mail. And Kylie’s out here running the ball all by herself for these absolutely riveting plays: Looking Bored; Wearing Tight Clothing; Being Hot; Being Formerly Underage; Having A Car Or Something. By no discernible effort of her own, she’ll obviously be Team Nobody’s season MVP. –Jia Tolentino

Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink

Kourtney Kardashian

Blog mentions: 19

Monthly magazine cover (Cosmo): 1 (20 pts)

Mason Disick

Blog mentions: 3

Mary Jo Shannon

Scott Disick

Blog mentions: 15

Total Yardage: 57

Performance summary: I had high hopes for my team, which I drafted with a clear strategy while the iron was hot, but it’s just not panning out the way it was supposed to. Scott Disick, the van wilder who was supposed to rake in the gold, had a disappointing show despite being in the middle of a very public split with Kourtney and allegedly cultivating a new romance with an 18-year-old model/art student, the ultimate Lord Disick Quarterlife Crisis move. Yet the whole team suffered from his lack of mentions on the E! blog—the company that produces KUWTK—not unlike the whole family is suffering from his allegedly boozin/druggin/philanderin ways. Well, maybe not the whole family: Kourtney really ramped up her game this round by playing heavy Disick offense, taking mutual son Mason out for a stroll stepping out in a “red pout,” “slim physique,” “svelte figure” and “ample bosom,” all according to the eye-popped wolverines at The Daily Mail. The team was barely saved before time-out by Kourtney’s vengeance abs, but it wasn’t quite enough to pull Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink out of dead last. And MJ, her grandma, was straight chilling. -Julianne Escobedo Shepherd