Fake Tanning Gunk Is Destroying Some Mattresses in the UK

Bronzers and other gooey, UV-free artificial tanners may help the porcelain-hued citizens of the world achieve that sun-burnished quality so desirable by today’s aesthetics, but such tanners will also turn everyone who uses them into giant, weeping puddle monsters that seep through sheets and ruin perfectly adequate mattresses.

It’s true, but don’t just trust the opinion of someone who’s watched every episode of Batman: The Animated Series and has, as a consequence, developed an irrational fear of Clayface — listen to a hilariously beleaguered landlord in Cardiff, Wales, who complained to the BBC early this morning that ersatz tans are ruining his mattresses and costing lots of money:

It seemed to be a new phenomena in Cardiff which began about four years ago, although I had come across it before when I checked other properties elsewhere.

John [the owner] didn’t have a clue what the strange orange marks were. They were roughly body shaped and you could see the wrist, ankle and shoulder areas.

There is a high percentage of females out of the 400 students we house, so the incidents were much higher, and you could see the fake tanning products in nearly every room.

It’s all the womenzz fault, what with their obsessive need for validation from a culture that insists their skin tone shouldn’t be so pale. But not too dark, either! You know what? Just lather your skin with chemicals until it just peels right off of you, then all of humanity will look like one big Body Worlds expo and we can live without self-consciousness.