Evil Bees Are Coming to Drink Your Tears

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You know bees? Yeah, those guys. You know how they sometimes land on you and walk around? Well, turns out, it's not because they mistook you for a giant beautiful flower (though you are one, special tulip!), or because they're all tuckered out after a long day at the honey factory. It's because they're hungry. And your sadness is their food.


Today in sgueeeeaaahhhhhdfjdflsdjfasjdflakjsdfdsja, researchers have identified a species of bee (Lasioglossum gotham) that dines on delicious human sweat and tears. The tiny bee is so light and dainty that most people don't even notice when it strolls up to their eyeballs to drink their sweet cry-juice. The gall! The unmitigated gall of this bee! According to the study:

When the odd bee did latch on, the researcher was often unaware. But when several bees set up shop, it was a different story.

"The experience was rather unpleasant, causing strong tear flow," the authors wrote in the 2009 study published in the Journal of the Kansas Entomological Society. "Once a bee had settled and more were approaching, these tended to settle near each other in a row. Closing the eye did not necessarily dislodge bees but some continued to suck at the slit. They were even able to find and settle at closed eyes."

Oh my god, "suck at the slit." Please, bees. This is a family entomological society bee journal.

Furthermore, these selfish bees turn down hella delicious foods in favor of licking human eyeballs. Just because they can:

Sweat suckers and tear drinkers favored bodily fluids over smoked fish, fresh meat, gruyere cheese and chocolaty Ovaltine, according to the study. The researchers suspect salt or other proteins and sweat and tears provide vital nutrients for the tiny workers - something to keep in mind on those hot summer days.

Whatever, bees! Ovaltine is delicious! When reached for comment, the Bee King quipped, "Bzzzzzzz zzzzt zzzzzzzt bzzzz zzzz zzzzzzzzt!" Then he bit me on the eye. Typical. Classic elitist bee bullshit.

According to researchers, this species of bee rarely stings—but that's probably because no one's told them yet that getting stung by bees turns humans into giant salty Big Gulp machines. Please, unless you want all of humankind to be turned into grief-stricken tear-ranches by maniacal bees, nobody talk to the fucking bees.


Photo credit: tobkatrina / Stockfresh.


Violet Baudelaire

Wait - how is this new? "Sweat bees" were totally a very common type of bee that were around when I was growing up - they're littler and less scary than regular bees, actually and just land on your arms but don't sting. I always was told they were just attracted to the salt in your sweat, so it makes sense they'd like tears too when they could get them.

Edited: I should disclaim - I did grow up in a fairly rural area, but no crazy place - just good old fashioned Michigan, and they were really common