If you're dating online these days, you have my deepest sympathies.

Every time I see a story about a woman using Tinder or OKCupid who is forced to deal with yet another half-brain dead douchebro demanding to see her tits and calling her an "ugly stoopid cunnnnnt" when she declines, I instantly start humming "Do You Hear the People Sing" in solidarity. Because I have felt your pain and I never, ever want to go back.

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Luckily, there are women give zero fucks about shitheads like that. In fact, plenty of them have discovered new found empowerment not by just calling out their dumb, sexist bullshit, but by sharing it with the rest of us so we can laugh and joyfully commiserate.

Such is the case with Alison Stevenson, a comedian from Los Angeles. Stevenson documents the horrible shit she gets using online dating sites. Keep in mind, all of these are all first time/initial messages. You don't need me to tell you this is going to be a remarkable shitshow. Let's dive in!

Oh. Direct and to the point. According to Ladies' Home Journal, asking to "fuk" the asshole is traditionally a second date question. So that means he's a rule breaker, ladies!

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I apologize, you guys. I actually once said this once to Christopher Plummer during a performance of King Lear. It was awkward. He ended up making me a peanut butter sandwich with apricot jelly. It was gross and I tried to pretend to like it but my acting is nowhere near as good as his and he totally knew I was faking it. That's why we don't talk anymore.

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Who knew you could meet the Vampire Lestat's creepy older brother on a dating site!

Here's one from someone who appears to be an avid finger painting enthusiast. Nice to see people holding on to the artform after the first grade.

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I'm going to go with no, dude. Straight up NO. Super-duper nopetipus nopeington Sir Nopesalot Nopediddynopenop nopey nope NOPE.

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His next message to her was "I want to have sex with you on a pile of my Dungeons and Dragons guide books in my mom's sewing room while you read passages from The Name of the Wind. TAKE ME, ELVEN NECROMANCER. TAKE ME!"

Annnnnd we just went from 0 to batshitfuckingcrazystalker in 0.2 seconds. That has to be a world record.

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Previously:

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Images via justaboutglad.