Ethan Hawke Is Not a Fan of Chris Pratt's Pale Ass

Chris Pratt is back from his honeymoon, which did not include any nude sunbathing, as evidenced by an Instagram post showcasing a magnificent sunburn glowing in juxtaposition with a glaring white butt. Unlikely celebrity pal Ethan Hawke would feel more comfortable were Pratt to put that pale booty away.

Far more offensive to me than the inches of ass-crack in the photo is the fact that Pratt captioned it “Suns out guns out I might have got a toouuuch crispy on the honeymoon,” but Hawke begs to differ, commenting:

“Now I know what to send for a wedding present. Also, you don’t have to work this hard to have an excuse to show off your tush! I thought it was inappropriate – my wife said, “I love it!” Hmmmm.”

Appropriateness aside, what’s he sending for a wedding present? Aloe vera? Underwear?

Celebrity pal Gwenyth Paltrow also piped up to shill product, telling Pratt “I’ve got some goop for that,” by which she most definitely means $90 cream made of emulsified shaman-blessed rainforest clay that also detoxes the spleen, but I’m choosing to make this sexual to amuse myself and suggest you do as well.