The December Elle would like to remind its readers that they will never be happy this holiday season.

In "No Way Out?" Rachael Combe explores the "scientifically, mathematically, and economically proven" notion that women are "kinda bummed out." She proposes several reasons for this, one of which is that we're all disappointed in the way the women's movement panned out. You see, now that women have more choices, "it has opened our eyes to new ways we might fail." Also, according to Combe, while women and men are logging in equal hours of housework, men actually enjoy it. Furthermore, now that we have this feminism-given right to complain, "misery has become a badge of honor" sending women in a downward spiral of unhappiness. Combe concludes that women can increase happiness by giving back to the community. While this is a noble notion, it seems kind of lost when the pages surrounding her article are inundated with all sorts of other "choices", namely expensive shit to buy, thin models, and gift suggestions that are unlikely to make anyone feel festive. For example, does your mom like to travel? Give her this super-useful, $50 leaning tower of Pisa replica. Does your friend like to eat food? How about a salad plate that looks like a lettuce leaf? Or a $2,730 pearl choker with gigantic strawberry charms? Below, the other "gifts" Elle is bestowing upon us this season.