"EL-MO! We won't go!" Puppets March on Washington

The Million Puppet March stormed Washington D.C. on Saturday demanding equal rights for puppets! JK, there weren’t actually a million puppets because there isn’t enough dirty carpet in the world to make them; and they weren’t demanding equal rights, although I kinda think they deserve them because they’re just as important to many kids as any human. Plus, they’re made of carpet and they can talk, how else are you gonna fucking explain that if not with magic?

Anyway, the puppet political rally was organized to march against Mitt Romney’s “I hate Big Bird because he’s different, no more money for PBS!” debate comments. The puppets. are. PISSED. And honestly, so are we, because where would we be without Snuffaluffagus to show us how cool it is to be fat and proud? Eating reduced-fat garbage in a ditch somewhere, probably.

They chanted such adorable things as:

“Power to the puppets! We can save the Muppets!”
“Whose street? Sesame Street!”
“What do we want? Cookies! When do we want them? Now!”
“EL-MO! We won’t go!”

The BEST chants! There should be one that’s like, “What do we want?” And then, in the Count’s voice, “1. federal subsidy, 2. Presidential daughter’s coming on the show! 3. YOU GET THE IDEA.”! I know it’s too late but let’s spend all night thinking of rallying cries for puppets, okay?

One of the puppeteers said:

“I used to work for Sesame Street, and not only did it change my life as a kid, it changed my life as an adult,” said Michael Schupbach, who came in from New York City with his puppet Malcolm. “I can speak for the people who work there, everyone there knows how important their job is, they know they’re reaching 17 million kids every day.”

How great are puppets? So great. Although, my friend Jon doesn’t like them, particularly the Muppets. He thinks they look like they smell and he doesn’t like how horny Miss Piggy is. Deal with it, dude, she’s a very sexual pig ! What’s so wrong with that?! Besides many things.

The point is, all puppets should get to be as dirty or as cute or as smart or as RAISING OUR NATION’S CHILDREN as any human! If we cannot invest in our children, then we might as well cry uncle and let the resources wars begin. I cannot imagine my childhood without those furry freaks, and I know so many people feel the same, so on Tuesday, let’s vote Romney the fuck off the Island.